♪♥♫ THE STARS LEAN DOWN TO KISS YOU. ♪♥♫
23052012
WEDNESDAY
01:02
STREET 81
SAND.
I guess i'm averaging a blog post a month. there's so much to deal with, so much to do. so many things weigh my mind and heart down. for me to post something here, i must have already set something about it in my heart. well, i have't the time nor the strength to deal with so much change. However this time i decided to post to reason with myself, ad hopefully lift my spirits.
Gosh, so many things, i don't know where to start.
firstly, are my dreams ever going to become real? will i see people asking me to shoot? will i be stuck at the corner of whatever i do, only taking backstage credit? A typical YouTube star (Real Life examples: Tyler Ward, Jayesslee) with talent will be able to tour worldwide within 2 years of serious music, but i have been photographing for 3 years. i have done so many events, made so many mistakes, learnt eve more, but i seem nowhere closer than when i started. i still have to beg, borrow or fight my way into events, i still have to deal with horrid models (there are lots of great ones, just that lot of bad apples), snotty "photographers" (just uncles with money and no sense of how to shoot) and worst of all - not even getting the recognition i deserve. i want to see my name in the newspapers without getting stock-folio-ed, i want to hear my name suggested when someone needs event coverage. i want to be, for once, the person qualified enough to give advice, not choke yours down my throat. i have my own style, and my own shooting personality. the shot may not be a conventional idea but it is my shot. Yes i am broke, therefore i cannot afford a flash, range of lenses or even a new camera, but if that is all you have, you are no different from the "pampered princesses" with a DSLR doing a Facebook profile picture in the toilet mirror. do not tarnish our profession or hard work with your attitude.
i just want to see that stamp of approval, and that someone is proud of me as a successful photographer and media representative. not interested just because i can get them free tickets.
Recently i had a debate with a acquaintance of mine that as a scientist(?) why i could not accept both the creation theory and evolution theory. long story short, i still believe both can be combined and explained accurately, but i don't know how. it's driving me crazy. i know somewhere that physics and chemistry can help support, not disprove, but i can't figure it out on my own.
Sometimes i feel like Brennan from Bones - my assurance in that everything can be explained in science is comforting and steadying. But i want to be able to be Booth - to have absolute faith in his own belief system regardless of how others around him have made him feel stupid.
I also wish for that kind of courage and strength to face my fears on my own.
I have never said this, but i am terribly scared of death right now. every time i hear someone i know going to the hospital or a funeral, it kills whatever mood i'm having and a fearful aura hangs around my heart all day. i guess i've been to too many for my own good. i just pray no one i knows dies anymore this year.
It's been a long hard year so far.
