31072010
SATURDAY
18:14
STREET 81
COME HOME.
I've told Zuo Lun and Jun Yan that HK's coming back December. wasn't expecting Jun Yan's reaction, but at least he's not angry anymore. but the few of us just don't talk like we used to anymore.
guess HK figured out that he'll have to come back and explain sometime, whether he felt it would do any good. He cant avoid us every time he's in Singapore, can he? well, a get-together after the O-levels isn't the best option, but here's one excuse you can use if you have one week.
he says he has no home anywhere anymore, that Australia is where his house is, but his homeis gone: all the life he knew in Singapore - the friends, lifestyle, the food. i know he misses it still. but is there anything we can go even if we didn't wish it this way?
maybe you just got to accept that home is Australia now, that ain't anything you is going to take you home to the previous life.
♥ I'VE GOT HEAVEN ON THE INSIDE OF ME.
peace and joy God has set me free.
peace and joy God has set me free.
29072010
THURSDAY
18:11
STREET 81
MEDICINE.
i guess i have to lose the letters some time. i know it's an addiction, a delay of the blow, but i guess it'g gotta stop too.
saving up for the SORCERER'S APPRENTICE & STREETDANCE this week. realized that i have watched more movies this year than the past five years combined. five movies, and counting.
i guess movies are a form of escape, but i'm staying far far away from the romance movies. not that well enough to watch those yet. at least for one and a half hours you can lose yourself in the audience and pretend life is normal. the people at Tampines have already memorized that i usually sit in the aisle seat on row H.
and that i only take one seat.
at least school's getting better.
♥ I'VE GOT HEAVEN ON THE INSIDE OF ME.
peace and joy God has set me free.
peace and joy God has set me free.
27072010
TUESDAY
20:04
STREET 81
SWEET PAIN.
they say pain helps you forget sometimes.
but to those who feel the pain, they say that the pain is a drug that reminds you you're not in hell - that you're still alive and hurting.
no, not physical pain. i'm already halfway numb to that, i only go through the motions whenever get into an accident: moan, curse, dress the wound, move on.
i'm talking about the heart. that kind of pain plagues your sleep, your waking hours and everything in between. it doesn't go away, it only leaves you long enough for you to feel better, then comes back in one fell swoop.
the truth is my only escape now. i don't have a choice, because i'm quickly losing my faith in everything else. so i have to believe that the truth is the only thing that can set me free.
i don't know why the pain keeps coming back, stronger and more persistent. it's like a cancer - one of these days i'm going to get a terminal stage and then there is nothing left to fight against. it's like an addiction of the heart, the slightest reminder is enough to rouse it.
i got to learn how to let sleeping TIGERS lie, not chain them to me.
shit, i don't even know if i'm the one chasing it or its chasing me. it's like we're both not running at all, just sitting on a carousel, and waiting for the sweet illusion of movement to end.
the church bells of the Black Plague are already ringing on this one.
♥ I'VE GOT HEAVEN ON THE INSIDE OF ME.
peace and joy God has set me free.
peace and joy God has set me free.
24072010
SATURDAY
16:42
STREET 81
TIME OUT.
min yi came over today, after the DPA briefing at Temasek Polytechnic. i picked her up at the interchange, then walked her to the lecture theatre. picked her up afterwards too.
Thank God for her, needed the one hour with her more than she knows. last night was so down, but i guessed i looked forward to today when she smsed me to take her to Temasek. she makes my life bearable, even though my heart still feels the same.
God really knows what you need when you need it.
another thing.
i know alot of people have gone on hiatus or have ended their blog. just to let you guys know, i will keep this blog even through the exams.
firstly is because this blog is an outlet for my emotions and stress. it's like a boxing bag or singing. for me, i like to write about my life, about how i think and what i do. i will write lyrics and posts through the exams, although i cant say that it will be as often as now.
secondly is because this blog is an like an open diary. i used to write a personal paperback one, but it took too much time, plus Emilyn kept hacking into it. so i stopped after the last page of that one, and this has been existent ever since. it's also like a log of my life, some of my most important thinking happens when i write my blog. the lyrics i put here are both meaningful to the writer - yours truly - but also to others who share them with me as well.
CONCLUSION: THIS BLOG STAYS THIS WAY.
♥ I'VE GOT HEAVEN ON THE INSIDE OF ME.
peace and joy God has set me free.
peace and joy God has set me free.
23072010
FRIDAY
19:47
STREET 81
ALONE TIME.
today is a bad day, where there is a drowning feeling. no matter how much i laughed today, it seems... empty. i feel that kick in my chest, the pain is still as real as ever.
random flash back and pauses throughout the day - when I'm doing Chemistry or Maths and suddenly i have to pause to hold the tears back.
i told you that i wont cry in school. it just isn't worth it. the furthest I'll go is with min yi, but I'm supposed to be strong and there for her. so I'm not going to cry in front of people who don't care enough.
but i also told you i like to be alone. please to feel pathetic being alone is a self-conscious feeling, and it just says that you aren't confident enough to be your own person. what's wrong with eating alone? with watching a movie yourself? our culture teaches us to be with someone else constantly, to find assurance that people won't look just because you're walking/ doing everything together. well, they will look just the same, so learn to live with people looking at you.
but for now i gotta concentrate on getting over this bad day, one thing at a time.
♥ I'VE GOT HEAVEN ON THE INSIDE OF ME.
peace and joy God has set me free.
peace and joy God has set me free.
21072010
WEDNESDAY
BUS 31
14:05
BEAUTY FOR SALE.
on the bus to bedok right now, taking a slightly longer bus to type more and waste more time at the same.
been trying to get off the Internet for good, but i think I'm in too deep, just like everyone else. the one reason why you cant leave the Internet, is because most of your social life is up there.
started on Muse due to Deborah, well have to thank her though. it's a different kind of music to one i usually listen to. it tethers on the weird, and is both punk and jazz at the same time. good mix though not the best music around.
nagging regret on not finishing the song recordings even though i sound terrible. i should get someone to sing them for me, even though I'm scared that they will just laugh at me. "even though" is one of the cliche phrases i have just adopted , subconsciously.
speaking of which, i watched inception and it was pretty AWESOME.
♥ I'VE GOT HEAVEN ON THE INSIDE OF ME.
peace and joy God has set me free.
peace and joy God has set me free.
19072010
MONDAY
14:42
STREET 81
THAT COLD FEELING.
"Then I said to you, "Do not be terrified; do not be afraid of them."
- Deuteronomy 1:29
there's no school today. I'm home, just doing Geography and English. I thought about watching INCEPTION at TM GV today, but mum hasn't added the cash.
Ivan asked me to do his testimonial for him, but it told him no. I don't know how to tell him how frustrated I am with helping him stay in school, doing his homework. man, I got my own. but I don't think I can tell him that without being blunt.
Thinking about the muffins for Teacher's Day, wondering how much time I need to make stuff like that. not to mention the mooncakes for the upcoming Mid-Autumn Festival, I need to teach my cellies how to make them.
oh and when is Seventh Month by the way? Po keeps telling me it's coming closer.
another thing. there's people already asking about when's prom and all that. I asked Hengkang if he can make it since it's in December, but he hasn't given me a reply yet.
♥ I'VE GOT HEAVEN ON THE INSIDE OF ME.
peace and joy God has set me free.
peace and joy God has set me free.
16072010
FRIDAY
STREET 81
22:45
SOCIALLY AWKWARD.
i realise i talk to myself a whole lot more without you here talking to me. and then i realise i got to stop this dependency at once.
Give ear to my words, O LORD, consider my sighing.
- Psalm 5:1
I tried to paint you a picture
The colors were all wrong
Black and white didn't fit you
And all along
You were shaded with patience
And strokes of everything
That I need just to make it
And I believe that
I could tear you apart
But it won't break
Anything that you are, you are
We'll say our goodbyes you know it's better that way
We won't break, we won't die
It's just a moment of change
All we are, all we are, is everything that's right
All we need, all we need, our love is at a bind
I walked a minute in your shoes
They never would've fit
I figured there's nothing to lose
I need to get some perspective on these words
Before I write them down
You're an island and my ship is running ground
Every single day that I can breathe
You changed my philosophy
I'm never gonna let you pass me by
ALL WE ARE - one republic
♥ I'VE GOT HEAVEN ON THE INSIDE OF ME.
peace and joy God has set me free.
peace and joy God has set me free.
15072010
THURSDAY
STREET 81
22:06
ALL OUT BULLETIN.
Do you know where your heart is?
Do you think you can find it?
Or did you trade it for something
Somewhere better just to have it?
Do you know where your love is?
Do you think that you lost it?
You felt it so strong, but
Nothing's turned out how you wanted
Well, bless my soul
You're a lonely soul
Cause you won't let go
Of anything you hold
Well, all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head
Do you know what your fate is?
And are you trying to shake it?
You're doing your best and
Your best look
You're praying that you make it
Well, bless my soul
You're a lonely soul
Cause you won't let go
Of anything you hold
Well, all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head
Do you know where the end is
Do you think you can see it?
Well, until you get there
Go on, go ahead and scream it
Just say it
IS HOME IS WHERE THE HEART IS, WHERE IS HOME?
♥ I'VE GOT HEAVEN ON THE INSIDE OF ME.
peace and joy God has set me free.
peace and joy God has set me free.
14072010
WEDNESDAY
06:55
BUS 30
FREE SECRETS.
just listened to the radio again after two months. and doing that, I've discovered that people move on in the little space when you leave them out.
Secrets by one republic in my head now, and it's something so down-to-earth from them, I'm pleasantly surprised.
Ivan is on this bus too, it's early for him, and kind of shocked me when he banged the chair to get my attention. three nougats are sitting in my bag for him, and chocolate for myself, even though I'm probably not gonna end up eating it.
need to return Belinda 10 bucks from yesterday, and i told mom i paid the 22 green ones for PE. i swear, it just gets more expensive every year.
secrets just played finish, made me realize that it's actually a short song, and the music video is actually freaking good. not bad from a band who's lying it low. i didn't see this even i was grabbing their last album, so maybe it's one of those jewels tucked in the corner.
I need another story
Something to get off my chest
My life gets kinda boring
Need something that I can confess
Til’ all my sleeves are stained red
From all the truth that I’ve said
Come by it honestly I swear
Thought you saw me wink, no
I’ve been on the brink, so
Tell me what you want to hear
Something that were like those years
Sick of all the insincere
So I’m gonna give all my secrets away
This time, don’t need another perfect line
Don’t care if critics never jump in line
I’m gonna give all my secrets away
My god, amazing how we got this far
It’s like we’re chasing all those stars
Who’s driving shiny big black cars
And everyday I see the news
All the problems that we could solve
And when a situation rises
Just write it into an album
Singing straight, too cold
I don’t really like my flow, no, so
Tell me what you want to hear
Something that were like those years
Sick of all the insincere
So I’m gonna give all my secrets away
This time, don’t need another perfect line
Don’t care if critics never jump in line
I’m gonna give all my secrets away
Oh, got no reason, got not shame
Got no family I can blame
Just don’t let me disappear
I’mma tell you everything
So tell me what you want to hear
Something that were like those years
Sick of all the insincere
So I’m gonna give all my secrets away
This time, don’t need another perfect line
Don’t care if critics never jump in line
I’m gonna give all my secrets away
So tell me what you want to hear
Something that were like those years
Sick of all the insincere
So I’m gonna give all my secrets away
This time, don’t need another perfect line
Don’t care if critics never jump in line
I’m gonna give all my secrets away
All my secrets away, All my secrets away
♥ I'VE GOT HEAVEN ON THE INSIDE OF ME.
peace and joy God has set me free.
peace and joy God has set me free.
13072010
TUESDAY
14:54
4 EMPATHY
MIDNIGHT CALLS.
i admit, i may have been a little inconsiderate, considering i didn't stay up as late as he did.
but it was a good call, a needed break from the long emails and smsing. it's a good change to hear some one's voice after you've been typing to technology for so long. there's static in the line, so it's not as clear, but I'm sure i will be able to find something to solve that. a change of phone maybe?
tempted to send him a JC maths textbook for Christmas this year, he is really dying of boredom due to being confined to primary mathematics in school. along with the class photo, and the big jar of stars. maybe not the stars, but at least it will help him practically.
just remember that i still have his tie and counselor tie clip, at least i managed to get that before the holidays. i only intended to borrow it, but seeing as he doesn't need them now...
catching up on my reading, and i still need time to get used to his accent again.
♥ I'VE GOT HEAVEN ON THE INSIDE OF ME.
peace and joy God has set me free.
peace and joy God has set me free.
09072010
THURSDAY
06:48
BUS 30
BETTER THAN HE CAN.
lyrics from the song Leavin' by Jesse McCartney.
i used to love it, especially in acoustic. just listening to it on the way to Changi Village makes for great company.
speaking about CV, i have to remember to look for the hooks that we need for the kelong trips. tying hooks and setting up the rods have to be second nature now.
on the way to school now, and my mind is filled with all sorts of things. Ivan asked me at midnight to help with the picnic, and i have no idea how to run one. food is okay, i can do that. people? i have no people skills, i follow, i don't organize. or so i think. just hoping i wont screw his plans too.
"it depends on the size of your screwdriver." LOL
i wonder how someone with so much in his life can still smile wider than me everyday, and come to school with a cheerful attitude bigger than anyone else's. i have a really good guess it's Jesus, and that just means faith in it's essence can do wonders.
leaving them cigarettes and beer alone. I'm gonna be clean, no matter what you do to me.
------------------------------------------------------------
09072010
THURSDAY
11:09
4 EMPATHY CLASSROOM
ON OR OFF.
next lesson is English.
people are going all around, asking each other of the oral TYS. thank God i never bring it home ever.
trying to be alone, listening to cobra starship in the classroom. i have no appetite, and any food is tasteless anyway. gonna have to survive on Hacks today, i swear I'm going to have off my phone tonight to sleep again.
i have only one question to ask you, if you knew this day was coming, what would you have done? try to deflect the end result? prepare yourself for the pain? it hurts really badly to know that nothing can be done.
what reminded me, was the dance lessons in PE today. we're going to have 3 hours of Latin Cha Cha.
i remember once, we were walking outside the community centre, and there was this slow song playing. it was just some old jazz, and you took my hand and taught me ballroom there and then. we were like two idiots, stepping to the beat on the sidewalk, hugging each other.
and PE had to have dance.
The greatest gift bestowed upon the human mind was the ability to forget.
i want that gift badly.
♥ I'VE GOT HEAVEN ON THE INSIDE OF ME.
peace and joy God has set me free.
peace and joy God has set me free.
06072010
TUESDAY
20:16
STREET 81
STAY STRONG.
it's supposed to be a self-encouraging title.
today i had a verse from God, made me SO SO SO RELIEVED i cried. (:
6 -8 "Now, stay strong and steady. Obediently do everything written in the Book of The Revelation of Moses—don't miss a detail. Don't get mixed up with the nations that are still around. Don't so much as speak the names of their gods or swear by them. And by all means don't worship or pray to them. Hold tight to God, your God, just as you've done up to now.
9 -10 "God has driven out superpower nations before you. And up to now, no one has been able to stand up to you. Think of it — one of you, single-handedly, putting a thousand on the run! Because God is God, your God. Because he fights for you, just as he promised you.
11a "Now, vigilantly guard your souls: Love God, your God.
JOSHUA 23:6-11a
it's everything i have been waiting for someone to tell me, that my choices are right, that i must have to faith to continue. because He IS GOD, therefore there is no other way. i must stick with my God, just like i have done up to now.
went swimming with Yong today, to clear my mind and rest my thoughts. i love how the water is so welcoming, it closes over your head is a soft, cold embrace, enveloping your head. your hair floats weightless, the feel of your own breath as tiny bubbles, clumsily bumping your arms as they race upward. the clear, clear blue, like you're in a sapphire. and the quiet. the steely silence even you cant break. you kick your legs gently and rise to the surface. letting go all your breath just below the surface, and close your eyes under the water, just lie there, until you finally need air.
every time i swim, i feel a little of the weak human in me die, knowing full well it is not my world, but i have the control over it. especially in the sea, the taste reminds me that i am but a temporary visitor, and that my existence is as real the water around me.
another thing, i have decided to stop going over to dayi's house so much, we dont want to test fate, do we?
♥ I'VE GOT HEAVEN ON THE INSIDE OF ME.
peace and joy God has set me free.
peace and joy God has set me free.
04072010
SUNDAY
20:24
STREET 81
SOUL-LESS.
I WANT TO LEARN HOW TO DRIVE.
reading the highway code, sounds cool. but the best part will be to be able to go anywhere I want without the hassle of public transport.
crying while buying the groceries today, what's new? dayi zhang actually told me to go over his house to stay but I guess I just need some time alone. believe me, in my house, you can be surrounded by family and still be alone. I'm trying to hold it all inside me every time I see my friends, schoolmates, cellies. I cant just let them worry about me any more.
I'm also fed up with myself about the nightmares and missing him. one stupid thought: if I'm not Christian, I don't have to live by God's rules right? which means I can get back right? basically, it's useless thinking about it now, after everything.
IT'S BEEN SIX MONTHS. LEAVE MY HEAD ALONE. I DON'T HAVE TO GIVE SHIT ABOUT YOU, SO WHY DO YOU MAKE ME?
I have to get some where I know can take away all the pain. and soon, before I go crazy. really, I am. I haven't got much more time and energy to deal with this any more.
all the thoughts about smoking and drinking (as in getting real drunk to sleep at night) are coming back too. but I'm going to have to stay strong.
if YOU need to know, it's just because my family are too precious to hurt.
♥ I'VE GOT HEAVEN ON THE INSIDE OF ME.
peace and joy God has set me free.
peace and joy God has set me free.
