09042010
FRIDAY
10:34
STREET 81
BIG WHOOP.
I'm really bothered today, not because i took today off to get my life in order, but i took time off to actually notice how bad things are getting.
first up: stress
okay... its causing relationships in our class to choke and die. kinda like a plant slowly strangled by the weeds around it. so, things are blowing out into a full-scale cold war, either side is "amassing" its popularity levels and frantically forcing people to take sides. it's a subtle, dangerous game; a 50-calibre rifle Russian roulette, one that will cleanly blow off your upper torso.
*shudders*
but i guess a little of it did help me to perform better, and i will have to learn to stay out of no man's land.
second: forgiveness
u know, this week, the charisma lesson was on FORGIVENESS. it was kind of a shock to me: i think i may have needed it. okay, the list of people i need to ask for forgiveness (u may not have done anything to me, but i think i held a grudge to something. even i cant remember. I'm petty, i know...):
IVAN LOW AND XIAN WEI
sorry big guys. i know I'm dumb. the chair incident, i will stop bringing it up, i was a bully then too. peace?
MON HSIEN
buddy, where the hell are you! OK. I'm gonna have to accept that there are passing friendships in life. yup.
DEBORAH
i know, i never really minded. but today i realised i grumble alot about it, and people get the idea that i really minded. sorry.
SHIRLEY n EU GIN
sorry ma and pa, that i really gave u guys alot of problems. i cant say I'm problem free now, but u are the two most caring people in my life other than family. or probably dearer than family. oh and Eu gin, u are a great Lao pa :)
STELLA, MELVIN n ERNEST
i realised i never actually admitted my faults when i was clearly wrong. and i dragged u guys into a lot of shit with me. and i even left u guys alone sometimes, even though it was my mess most of the time. i have to say I'm sorry, really sorry and i will look at my self better in the future.
THE LIST IS REALLY LONG, BUT THESE ARE JUST WHAT HAS BEEN BUGGING AT MY HEART FOR A LONG TIME.
but i've got a more stupid sense of loss.
you know, i never knew looking at NCC pictures could cause your heart and head to hurt.
when i see the pictures, i look at two things: what's missing, and what's there.
i see hengkang and martin gone, as seemingly easily erased from memmory by six months. the pictures reflect no more of there impressions.
i see wei sheng, and think i'm really sorry i hurt you buddy. you are my greatest pal.
i see ivan and qien, and xiao kia. i think that at the end of the day, pictures DO lie.
i dont know which picture to believe anymore, becuase the one in my mind's eye is gone. i tried to recall HK today, and i got blank space.
♥ I'VE GOT HEAVEN ON THE INSIDE OF ME.
peace and joy God has set me free.
peace and joy God has set me free.
