03032010
WEDNESDAY
STREET 81
NO TEARS LEFT.
been crying too much these few days, and feeling incredibly down. so down i even surprised myself by suddenly being asked why i'm so emo.
but it's becoming a tiring pattern: happy one second, then a quiet, hard look, people stop talking to you, and you have these scary, haunting thoughts coming to you, and all your memories start to remind you of all the things in your life you dont regret but wish you could forget.
on the topic of regret, i must say that i really don't regret whatever i did in my life, because i believe that God will put it to use. it might not have been a good decision, or even a right one, but i know that the decision will have a lifelong imprint on me, and that it has helped me become the person i am. the relationship is only one small part, there are other parts: the gang, the friends i made and lost, the family i had and have.
i remember someone telling me that i'm just having withdrawal symptoms. i told her if it wasnt just the recent events, most of it is, but it is also realisation of my own recklessness and pseudo bravado that is coming back. it's like a pickpocket whose gotten on bail for too many petty crimes and finally getting the big ten years of his life. a sudden rush of fear and helplessness. a uncomfortable vulnerability.
THE SCRIPT - TALK YOU DOWN:
"Just a cigarette gone
No you couldn't' be that far
So I'm driving in my car where I hope you are
Maybe I can talk you down
Maybe I can talk you down
We're standing on a tiny ledge
Before this goes over the edge
Gonna use my heart and not my head
and try to open up your eyes
This is relationship suicide
Cos if you go, I go..."
maybe certain people are just much more truthful to the world than others. maybe certain people are just more sensitive.
i don't know. but i know that i really have no tears left to cry, and believe me, that feeling is worse than crying.
serious.
♥ I'VE GOT HEAVEN ON THE INSIDE OF ME.
peace and joy God has set me free.
peace and joy God has set me free.
