21:20
SUNDAY
14 DAYS TO CNY
shared my life story in cell group today, missed the moving of the house.
started okay, ended better than i expected. plus i wore a dress to church, and kind of fufilled a wish of mine, though maybe i should review what i wear in the future stringently from now on. oh ya, bought a $9.90 white tee with Gloria at the Robinson's sale! so i'm wearing that next week.
i had to explain alot of my life, things i've kept very long and i've always wanted to tell my dearest friends, especially those that have shared thiers with mone so freely before this life thing even. i'm not sure if sharing can change perception of the way you look at tings, but for me it is healing in a big way. i cried for the first time in church in a long time, and it felt good just being able to talk to God and let it all out again.
so the sharing went well. thanks and a round of appluase for IVAN. for the edition of my script for the 10th time. you have patience, man...
next. home and opened my email. okay, guess who sent me this song? no prizes for takers.
You know you love me
I know you care
Just shout whenever,
And I'll be there
You want my love
You want my heart
And we would never, ever, ever be apart
Are we an item?
Girl quit playin'
We're just friends,
What are you sayin'?
Say there's another and look right in my eyes
My first love, broke my heart for the first time
For you, I would have done whatever
And I just can't believe we ain't together
And I'm wanna play it cool
While I'm losin you
I'll buy you anything
I'll buy you any ring
Cause I'm in pieces
Baby fix me
And just shake me till you wake me from this bad dream
I'm goin down, down, down
And I just can't believe my first love won't be around
You can give all of your love
But sometimes it won't be enough
No body told me this day would come
Now I'm all gone
You can give all of your love
But sometimes it won't be love
No body told me this day would come
done guessing? yups its... daryl.
yes i know it's obvious. but why are all the chorus cut out? it's probably the verses that speak louder than the chorus. for blur people it's Justin Bieber's Baby, a just-hit in Singapore, and like everywhere now.
getting my mind off it is going to be TOUGH. needless to say, it hasnt been sucessful.
Labels: i will love again, whether or not its you.
♥ I'VE GOT HEAVEN ON THE INSIDE OF ME.
peace and joy God has set me free.
peace and joy God has set me free.
21:31
THURSDAY
13 DAYS TO CNY
HEY, EVERYBODY
hey, everybody
i wanna tell
you something
that could change
your life
that could make
you happier
hey, everybody
i wanna show you
a friend
he's so real,
he's here
he'll be here
until the end
and put your
trust in him
cos he's the
prince of peace
hey, all
i wanna
show you my Jesus
my salvation
a brand faith
new faith
hey, all
i want you
to know my Jesus
each and every day
(day, day, day...)
hey, everybody
i wanna show you
a friend
he's so real,
he's here
he'll be here
until the end
(until the end of time)
and put your
trust in him
and put your
trust in him, in him
cos he's the
prince of peace
hey, all
i wanna
show you my Jesus
my salvation
a brand faith
new faith
hey, all
i want you
to know my Jesus
each and every day
(day, day, day...)
think i posted these lyrics before, too lazy to check.
coming up with a new song, snippets appear with inspiration, LOOK YOU FOR THEM ON FACEBOOK.
forgot my phone today, it felt so free, without the smses and calls.but sorry everyone that tried to call or find out anything from me, especially ivan . haha sorry cant tell you what lesson sia... but relax i hand in for you le.(:
going to bike to Changi and fish for gobys again. i'm not numbing the pain, i'm trying to go there and do a thanks-givng by whooping(!) the second-hand shop's uncle wireless. (; anything for you my fans!
love my new school bag. it's kinda white, with 2 front pockects for my incy-wincy bits of paper i scribble on... and the button's hopeless, but it's okay anyway.
THANKSGIVING!
~ IVAN = i really am ok la! stop asking!! ok sorry so fierce arh, but i'm just tired.
~ MR SOON = curious case of benjamin button... really want to show them meh?
♥ I'VE GOT HEAVEN ON THE INSIDE OF ME.
peace and joy God has set me free.
peace and joy God has set me free.
20:13
WEDNESDAY
14 DAYS TO CNY
i finally have a free day to think about the past four weeks.
i spent 2 rounds on 291, just sitting in home clothes and watching the bus go around. i didnt want to go Changi Village like i would usaully have done, not sure if i will have the courage to hold my tears if i go there. didnt have any significant thought, so went home and cycled to tampines central to get a proper school bag.
so went to the push carts for bargains and there was this bag with one button missing all the way behind everything. it still looked good, and i already repaired the button. so i argued with the auntie, and lowered the bag price from originally $15.90 to $8.00. price decreased by nearly $4!
so set off to URBAN WRITE to get E's presents, cooed at a few items, nothing special, wondering if who liked what, got some snacks and two presents, then cycled home.
so this post is just another update to this cove, and to let out the steam i have in my brain. gotta be strong Sharon, carry yourself well, and go back to the cheerful self that God has instructed you to be.
THANKS TO :
~ Ivan for being caring, i really am fine.
~ Mr Soon for the 20 min of aircon and cookies. i really am fine too.
♥ I'VE GOT HEAVEN ON THE INSIDE OF ME.
peace and joy God has set me free.
peace and joy God has set me free.
19:36
TUESDAY
15 DAYS TO CNY
the hundred post for my third blog address.
i've been looking at the posts for my earlier blogs, and i realised how much we can simply change just by getting used to the life you are in. i'm a normal peerson struglling to fit in, and everyone around me is doing around the same things.
i realised it's how we deal with what we meet on the way there - the pervert in the bus, the homework, and the friends. it's how you cope that makes you today.
it took time for me to realise, that i put alot of expectations on people, expectations i myself cannot achieve. i get disappointed easily, and give up in the simplest of means. i make a fuss over my importance, and neglect others in the process.
i am not perfect, but i need to work on myself to be able to glorify God better.
♥ I'VE GOT HEAVEN ON THE INSIDE OF ME.
peace and joy God has set me free.
peace and joy God has set me free.
18:36
FRIDAY
TMR IS MUM'S BIRTHDAY.
okayyy... you saw that right? so remember to tell my mum HAPPY BIRTHDAY! on sunday or tmr when you see her.
i love all you people who come here. you make my blog worthwhile. oh and the pictures i get i post on DEVIANT ART.COM as they are free and reliable and allow across hosting and whatever. and there's a great searchbar where you can get exactly what you want. so GO THERE. :) so there's credits to the site cos i need to or they'll probably take all my sketches and pics down. oh and i'm not buggylover on Deviant art, i'm another name... shhh... sorry cos i dont want people spamming my things or taking them just because it's mine. and always credit people okay?
so much for internet decorum. manners, manners, manners people. gotta take note.
yes and i'm feeling really better, so i'm going to put the awkward phone call i owe you people up here. the alternate ones with no name are me.
Daryl: hello?
silence.
Daryl: hey, you're there right?
silence.
Daryl: ok i'm just gonna talk and when you want to talk i'll stop.
silence.
he goes from living room to bedroom. (noise from tv is totally blanked out with a closed door.)
and he said:
"ok, first i need to say sorry for being a idiot and taking things for granted. i know that you dont owe me anything, and pestering you is going to make life difficult for you and more difficult for me. so i'm going to stop staying downstairs and more time at home. i wont tag your blog and i'll go off flickr for awhile. i'm going to take down our photos like you asked and i will tell my mum. i'm doing everything you asked because you asked me to, and its one thing i want you to know. that all you have to do is ask and i will do it, without asking. but now as a stranger will help give directions on the street. so today all the stuff is going to come down and i'll tell everyone that asks. will that be ok, Sharon?"
i started crying but didnt make any sound. didnt know if he could hear, but i guess he didnt. still silence.
" ok i'm going to stay here and talk if you dont hang up after ten seconds. if you dont want to hear me, hang up now so i know. ok, one... two... three... four... five... six... seven... eight..."
hung up.
felt bad after that but it is better this way. i know it.
apparently i cant get Adeline's announcement for us to share our life story.
and hengkang replied. he said it was visting 2 weeks in Shanghai and one week Computer shopping in singapore. no phone and com then so couldnt contact me. nest holiday he will treat me to lunch to make up for everything. he knows he doesnt need to but he wants to. for buddies sake. so yay! he's onlina and alive now.
until next time peeps.
♥ I'VE GOT HEAVEN ON THE INSIDE OF ME.
peace and joy God has set me free.
peace and joy God has set me free.
20:54
MONDAY
i'm trying to go on without people asking me if i'm ok. i feel like i'm showing too much when i'm emotional.
i just cant control the sadness and anger and the memories. it comes like a tidal wave of feelings and people becomes a rush, a blur of colour, a distant activity.
someone said this sentence today: i dont know how people stand you! you're so qi guai (weird) siah!
tried to drag myself early to school, because it's MINYI'S birthday today. so happy birthday~ ya, and i took a cab to school so i can be on time! yeah, i barely made it on time before soon tried to close the gates.like 30
seconds early. so... i'm in school, i sit in class and i somehow made it to end of assembly.
and i put weifeng and minyi on 135, now onto 31, and the minute past 31, i fell into a stonking deep sleep. and it was with me sitting straight upright, no head rolling, cos after that my neck felt really sore.
today's post is really short, cos i cant write all i want to. so,just wait until the next one.
♥ I'VE GOT HEAVEN ON THE INSIDE OF ME.
peace and joy God has set me free.
peace and joy God has set me free.
10:59
SATURDAY
bathing soon to go out for study group then the DE training run. just LOVE MY CELLIES. PTL for them, they make the best of my week.
Daryl called on my handphone today, he said he wanted to say sorry for the awkardness or the hurt or how i have to keep shunning him... it's not your fault, and i am not responsible for answering you anything again. i need to get my self fixed and running in the race, i really havent time for you, because all of it is God's now.
feeling very emotional today, wondering if i'llbe able to act like the old sharon again. i have one thing on my mind though: i really have to find a way to get minyi and daryl and weifeng and hengkang andd mon hsien and zuo lun... just everyone i care about to come to church so i can show how good God can be in their life. because i see them empty and aimlessly wandering, i feel really sad for them. i cried to Jesus for them, then Jesus said:
i cried for Lazarus and Mary and Martha. i cried for everyone on the cross. i cried for you too, so that you would not have to cry, and that you could be happy. now that you have found me, tell others how to find me, or they will still be alone. and in all things tell them i love them for me, that they mean something to me when they feel their lives are messed-up by the world.
crying for my friends really helped me see jesus' view. it allowed me toreally feel that id dint deserve the love but i got it and i want to really share it to my friends. i'm just wondering how.
oh ya, and went out to eat with XIAO YEE to eat jap and then sit at TCC for a tea/chat. really great, so i want to thank her for being able to pull time o reconnect (cos we're like drifting apart, but still close though) and all the advice that i find really USEFUL. so this small song is dedicated to you and will record it before CNY though (i hope.)
we're falling apart
we're drifting slowly further
we're not making time
we'r keeping from each other
and we find it hard
to smile again
and we're trying not to lose it all
CHORUS
and we're givng up
but i know its not to late
to pray about
what we've become
and we're trying hard
but i know that
God will hear us out
and he works in wonderous ways
his own wonderous ways
for us
♥ I'VE GOT HEAVEN ON THE INSIDE OF ME.
peace and joy God has set me free.
peace and joy God has set me free.
21:00
THURSDAY
felt really sad today, everything everyone says seems to trigger a wave of memories:of Daryl and me, scenes where i goofed up along my life, and lots of them just repeated in my head. the broken promises and empty phrases.
worst part is i tell myself to let go, because they we said with an intent to be fufilled, but when i break off from everything,even it's most beautiful, innocent moments become filled with poison and and bitterness. it got so bad that i cried during AMaths, not that i let them see, but i couldnt talk or even look up. it's so heavy on my heart.
nowadays, school is just a morphine from my from the mind-wandering at home.
i don't know how to stop myself saying yes. i practice in the mirror to say NO and... once i look at my classmates i go "yeah, sure, ok,.." like i just can't. so i ended up with a ivan's chinese homework: a compo, journal entry and lesson review.
SHARON YOU JUST GOT TO BE MORE HARD ON IVAN TO START SAYING NO TO HIS PLEAS FOR HELP. you gotta let him know that it's sec 4 and there's something called cope youself. so do your work, big guy. and sharon, really learn to SAY NO.
♥ I'VE GOT HEAVEN ON THE INSIDE OF ME.
peace and joy God has set me free.
peace and joy God has set me free.
19:39
WEDNESDAY
i don't know what's wrong with me today. usually i'm perky and loud in school, now i've taken a complete change. i didn't realized i've stopped talking to my classmates, to the extent i got teachers asking me everything ok, Sharon?. i must be really shorting out. i had ivan smsing me to cheer up every few minutes cos he thought i was seething emo-ness, not sadness though. kinda like deep in thought, the kind that blocks up the world until you are in your own box of four by four, and its quiet and calm. really appreciate you trying to make me into the old Sharon again. i'll find her back, i promise.
fifth person after Kristin, Deborah, Cheryl, Sarah and Adeline to say i've been emotional this year. and its only two weeks into 2010. guess i'm seriously affected by what other people do or say, especially after the breakup.
been crying myself to sleep on the bus, just suddenly, quietly, after the laughter stops and my friends are on their own way home. taken to 31 after school, the easiest way to avoid anyone i know, because it's one of the longer trips home. enough time to cry, sleep and wake up still tired from the process. figures i'm tired and breaking down most of the time, cos Zuo Lun had to shake me hard to wake me in 30 this morning. i was looking like i had spent the night under the stars: restless and maxed out. maybe he's right, i'm maxed out. he thinks i've been taking everything to blame for all, like with hengkang and mon hsien. he saidits not your fault both of them left on a bad note. people are leaving everday. we have to get used to it. besides, if mon hsien hide from you, it will be REALLY hard to find him right? yes. he's right, and he's wrong. i believe i will find mon hsien if i believe i can. and i BELIEVE GOD WILL HELP ME.
♥ I'VE GOT HEAVEN ON THE INSIDE OF ME.
peace and joy God has set me free.
peace and joy God has set me free.
18:39
MONDAY
just got my chinese results today. weird enough, didnt care if i did badly, and B3 is good enough for me.
it feels so long when i was interested in chinese. i'm sick of what my teachers have to say about my mother tongue now. just feeling that normal chinese will be good enough for me to go poly, because that's all i want to do right now. i cannot imagine myself in endless book torture in JC. can you?
spent a good half hour just sitting alone at the staircase of 824, and watching Jingjing go about her daily business. feels likei'm small and unobtrusive again, where i can block out all the noice i want in my head. used something i do for the stage:
clear your mind. think about Jesus. feel Him inside you, talking to you and pay attention to Him. then refeclt upon His goodness and face. after you do this and realize that God is excited and anxious for you too, you will be ready to face anything.
thank you God for letting me find a selfless way to do my thing in public, in Gkida, even talking to friends and strangers in school. feelings like i'm samll again, and you are always there, shielding me from the harmful effects of the world. i know that you are always there, but i have pushed you away. SORRY GOD.
♥ I'VE GOT HEAVEN ON THE INSIDE OF ME.
peace and joy God has set me free.
peace and joy God has set me free.
20:13
SUNDAY
just back from the Pinnacle @ Duxton. goingthere everytime up to the 50th floor or the 26th, is an adredeline rush. the wind in your hair and the view of what you know well is imprinted in your head long after you touch the first floor. i love that place.
have so many things to think about today. i saw daryl in Tampines Interchange and held myself in case i called out to him. its been so long, and i'm getting weary of thinking about my problems. its really tempting to just go back to being together, and forget the whole fiasco. to just go back to the days when all we did was to sit atChangi Beach, with our kites and slippers and hammocks, or a short stint with chrystal at the grass field opposite Temasek Polytechnic. i feel so weak. then God told me in the bus :
"but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."
GOD IS SO GOOD TO ME. HE IS EVERYTHING I WILL EVER NEED.
sonow i place my hope and whole being to the Lord and i pray that my actions will glorify him as my Father in Heaven. AMEN.
♥ I'VE GOT HEAVEN ON THE INSIDE OF ME.
peace and joy God has set me free.
peace and joy God has set me free.
20:45
FRIDAY
i have been putting this off long enough.
first, the most improtant thing i have to clarify:
it's not that i don't get angry, it's just that i'm skilled in smiling to you. so i'm not bully-able just because i smile everytime you come up with something new. i will be offensive if the act continues.
to more lifting matters!
my God is gracious upon me to allow me to be the only free soul in group 2 [grped by grades!] in Physics remedial classes. therefore i will have a more suitably-paced lesson i hope. currently the first lesson is on the 14th jan, and there's Han Qien in group 1 (A1,A2), me in group 2(B3,B4) and the rest of the class is with at least five other empathians. this is just one of God's ways to motivated me probably, because i spent half the year playing and one hour studying on the day before exam. maybe it's my talent of memorizing?
i don't know.
been cutting down on the healing letters cause i dont want anyone i know to worry about me anymore, and besides, God is pleased that i have chosen to rely on Him for strength and healing instead of my own way of understanding my life. it has been great time with Him, even crying, because i don't feel alone, but peaceful. maybe God had to shake me before he could touch me in a different way personally, like a friend instead of a discipline master. THANK YOU GOD :).
drawing on the Lord for strength. okay, that will be sufficient for the topic for now.
OKAY, WE MOVE ON!
i really want to get a proper recognization in photography, have decided to enter all the competitions on my own this year. TJS my mentor has OFFICIALLY RETIRED, as he feels he has taught me everything i need to know, and all he can do is sit and watch me play with colour. and the occasional critisism. haha. but it will be a whole new level of photography, one on my own feet, independently finding shoot areas, and angles, the models, the way i percieve things. i need to be unique, and stand with my own style to be able to capture my passion for the art. NOT EASY(!!!) will do my bestest to meet ur hopes. :) happy world tour!
erm, wow so many things to say still, like little incidents from my life i want to narrate here in an impluse, but i'm resisting. i may live to REGRET it.
so i better end fast, to avoid any slips.
love you people who come here, i noticed. :)
♥ I'VE GOT HEAVEN ON THE INSIDE OF ME.
peace and joy God has set me free.
peace and joy God has set me free.
18:20
TUESDAY
soooo much things to say about school.
let's start with classmates.
love our class to bits! like alot of ppl tio cut hair by chua AGAIN!haha,looking around at my deskmates in row 1 (liu lao shi's idea) most of them change hairstle like me!!! haha, so now more alike and less cui rites (:
OMGness getting back the slang in my school le. like just smsed LIANGMING "mouth hard heart soft" aka "jui ying xin ruan" (it's hanyu pinyin ppl!) and then realised she maybe confused by me.
SORRY arh. heheh. but all the lingo is coming back now and i'm talking more fluent china-accented chinese (i didnt say the content got any more better though...) and eating nasi lemak for like 4 TIMES LE.
aiya all the homework i havent catched up on is damn easy to complete. reason for not doing: tcher didnt add me to grp on facebook!kudos to technology!
haha. thanks arh, MR SOON.
sooo. sec 4 huh? olevels huh? surving so far? or dying under the expectations of the world? HAVE NO FEAR! offering the best medicine in the entire universe:
J-E-S-U-S!
WOOTS! haha infectious faith people, that's how i look cool and well rested folks (:
so now you know.
oh and check ou the new IeatIshootIpost webbie! (click on bold for link!)
♥ I'VE GOT HEAVEN ON THE INSIDE OF ME.
peace and joy God has set me free.
peace and joy God has set me free.
17:58
SATURDAY
the date today is a PALINDROME. it means its the same backwards as forwards.
2010's first post.
starting the new year with a new look, and i've just customised a whole skin with my own font style and colours. hopes this will become my place to relaxation when i'm stressed.
THANKING A FEW PEOPLE HERE:
♫_[MINYI]
thank you for being simply a friend that sticks to my most difficult and embarrassing moments. i have never felt more free than in your presence, and i never had to prove anything to gain your respect and approval. happy new year dear.
♫_[HENGKANG]
thank you for helping me deal with two things: change and boys. to me, you are like the elder brother i never had, and sometimes, i treat you too much like family and take you for granted that you will understand about my life and habits. but i forget that you are sometimes just a friend, and you helped me through leaving for australia to learn how to cope with talking to people confidentlywhen i'm teased, to learn to do things i've done a thousand times in a million ways i've never seen before. i have soo much to say, and it wont all fit in one post. and about dealing with boys, its between you and me. SHHHH... thanks hengkang, and oh for emailing back :)
♫_[ADELINE]
i need to thank you fro the advice, but that's not the most important thanksgiving for you. the most meaningful would be just staying with me when its quiet and i have to many things i want to say but i cannot tell you. my past is violent and scared. and you had to be disappointed in me in more ways than one. and i have some difficult habits to kick. but thank you anyway. really.
♫_[DARYL]
i know we just ended, but i need to thank yyou to complete my thanksgiving. i know that during our period even as friends, you had to put up with me. what we were doing, it's not good for both our futures. i'm praying that you will make a daring decision,despite the odds, to step out like i did. it's not easy, but it will help you to see clearer who you are without the clutter of others' opinions. and STUDY. i believe in you, and goodbye.
SO MAY PEOPLE TO THANK TODAY. but i need to do something first.
promised a new song, so after the near fail with boy and girl, i finally finished brown benches(phew!) and selecting a next song to record.
this song is called <C.H.A.N.G.E.>. wrote this during service last year when senior pastor was talking about coping with change. cheryl and debbo will find the chorus familar.
here goes.
[[
verse 1
we look at the world around us
and we wonder why
it is the way it is
we stare at passing faces
stone hard walls with eyes
and think to ourselves
bridge
for once we want to stay the same
but in our hearts we know
chorus
we're changing changing
always changing
nothing before
but something now
and we change because we can
we change because we can
verse 2
we tell everyone
how hard it is to start again
and we expect so much more
we try again
to reach for the stars that move on
bridge 2
but we've learnt the hard way
to live on inside
chorus
we're changing changing
always changing
nothing before
but something now
and we change because we can
we change because we can
bridge
for once we want to stay the same
but in our hearts we know
chorus
'cos we're changing changing
always changing
nothing before
but something now
and we change because we can
we change because we can
]]
there. i'll get around to recording it someday.
♥ I'VE GOT HEAVEN ON THE INSIDE OF ME.
peace and joy God has set me free.
peace and joy God has set me free.
