my own world.

2012-03-15T03:33:00.002+08:00

THURSDAY
15032012
03:34
STREET 81
FLUSTER.

I know I haven't posted in a long time.

there's so many things o post about, so many things i haven't dealt with. i don't trust my mind and heart to do what's right any more, because sometimes i doubt myself too. i have been crying out in desperation to feel or see something, but i am blinded by fear and disillusion.

i stopped taking photos since the accident. i stopped jay-walking. i tell people to drive safe whenever they drop me off, even taxi uncles. i cannot bear to stay home, yet I'm unable to stay out. i feel guilty and responsible. i feel so old and tired.

today evening before work i walked a long way to the hotel to think about things. I've never liked being surrounded by people, and orchard road is one of my nightmares. so i walked all the quiet back alleys and staff entrances of places i knew, and it was a peaceful and calming thing. then i suddenly had a clear answer from God. i felt i had to stop and process what He said to me. for once everything became clear and made sense.

He told me to trust and obey, for there's no other way to be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey. from the little Children's hymn i used to sing in primary school. i was stuck in my head even as i worked, and it was really comforting.

When we walk with the Lord in the light of His Word,
What a glory He sheds on our way!
While we do His good will, He abides with us still,
And with all who will trust and obey.

Trust and obey, for there’s no other way
To be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey.

Not a shadow can rise, not a cloud in the skies,
But His smile quickly drives it away;
Not a doubt or a fear, not a sigh or a tear,
Can abide while we trust and obey.
Chorus

Not a burden we bear, not a sorrow we share,
But our toil He doth richly repay;
Not a grief or a loss, not a frown or a cross,
But is blessed if we trust and obey.
Chorus

But we never can prove the delights of His love
Until all on the altar we lay;
For the favour He shows, for the joy He bestows,
Are for them who will trust and obey.
Chorus

Then in fellowship sweet we will sit at His feet.
Or we’ll walk by His side in the way.
What He says we will do, where He sends we will go;
Never fear, only trust and obey.
Chorus

Luke 11: 9-13
"So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.
"Which of you fathers, if your son asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead? Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!"

Philippians 4: 6-7
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

Romans 4:20-21
"Yet, with respect to the promise of God, he did not waver in unbelief but grew strong in faith, giving glory to God, and being fully assured that what God had promised, He was able also to perform."

Psalm 18:30
"As for God, His way is blameless; the word of the LORD is tried; He is a shield to all who take refuge in Him."

Genesis 28:15
"Behold, I am with you and will keep you wherever you go, and will bring you back to this land; for I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you."
1 Kings 8:56
"Blessed be the LORD, who has given rest to His people Israel, according to all that He promised; not one word has failed of all His good promise, which He promised through Moses His servant."
Psalm 36:5
"Your loving kindness, O LORD, extends to the heavens, Your faithfulness reaches to the skies."

Psalm 42:11
"Why are you in despair, O my soul? And why have you become disturbed within me? Hope in God, for I shall yet praise Him, the help of my countenance and my God."

Psalm 31:24
"Be strong and let your heart take courage, all you who hope in the LORD."

Psalm 71:5
"For You are my hope; O Lord GOD, You are my confidence from my youth."

Philippians 4:19
"My God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus."

John 16:23-24
"In that day you will not question Me about anything. Truly, truly, I say to you, if you ask the Father for anything in My name, He will give it to you. Until now you have asked for nothing in My name; ask and you will receive, so that your joy may be made full."

Matthew 21:22
"All things you ask in prayer, believing, you will receive."

Psalms 27:10
"For my father and my mother have forsaken me, but the LORD will take me up."

Romans 8:28
"And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose."

Isaiah 41:10
"Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand."

Psalm 138:7
"Though I walk in the midst of trouble, You will revive me; You will stretch forth Your hand against the wrath of my enemies, And Your right hand will save me."

John 14:1
"Do not let your heart be troubled; believe in God, believe also in Me."

John 14:27
"Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful."

2012-02-10T00:00:00.002+08:00

This is why it's not just a sport. it's passion, team spirit and pride that's at stake in the competition. the cup is not the goal, nor the placing, but the betterment of your own time and record. the reason why it's so tough, strict and difficult. you feel pressure to better yourself, to perform, because it's not just about you, but about the whole boat of twelve.

in my heart i've ever given it up, but it didn't fit in to the scheme of things. it fought with too many priorities, so i had to let it go before it became to leave. i left it in a way that there was no possibility of going back (at least in poly) so i wouldn;t be tempted. but then again, i always will be.

2012-01-26T20:04:00.005+08:00

26012012
THURSDAY
20:05
STREET 81
WHAT I KNOW.

i don't know what people do when they're angry.

you could punch a wall, but that'll create the problem of fixing the wall or your broken knuckles. you could cry, but the you'll be too exhausted for what comes next. maybe you could go somewhere alone, but the again, people need you to be there and man up.

then there's the denial mechanism. it's a small thing inside all of us, the need to believe what we want to believe. the greatest way to lie, someone told me, was to tell people what they think they found out from you. tell them something that gives them power. maybe it's like that for yourself too. you tell yourself something that gives you strength and hope to carry on.

-----------------------------------------------------
the world keeps turning, it moves on with or without you.

-----------------------------------------------------

today i snapped a couple of shots downstairs. i realised that my best shot only come from the moments I've given in to my emotions. when the camera angle, brightness and all that techy stuff ceases to matter. when my heart says "now" and i just press the shutter button.

2012-01-21T03:58:00.002+08:00

it's a beautiful morning in Singapore. It's not a special morning, the sun's rays only peer around thick clouds that threaten rain. it may hold no particularly memorial event, or historical significance, but still a beautiful morning nonetheless.

it's dawn, and the sky has just tugged off the dreary covers of night. the air feels heavy with moisture and cold; the birds have not dared to disturb the silence yet. i sit at the playground and draw a lungful. my shirt and shorts hang limp with damp. the metal beneath my feet is spared the fat dew drops that have gathered throughout the night. everything is covered in a thin blue wash; and bright in high saturated colours the next as the sun overcomes the weariness of night. i lie back on the pleasantly moist plastic and watch the sun proudly announce the new day.

suddenly the fragile silence is broken by all sorts of noises at once: the birds, a car honking, gravel crunching under shoes, traffic hum, random chatter. the surreality of the moment passes. i close my eyes and let the familiarity envelope me. i focus, tune the noise out, breathe slowly and deeply again. the smells are gone, everything fades, until I'm finally at peace within me.

the emptiness is soothing, calming. it speaks of constants i can control, constants that control our humanity, and how it easy to eliminate those constants. distractions lose their place and purpose. everything, including breathing is devoid of meaning. i hold the small secret world and blissfully lose myself in the nothingness.

then i have to ope my eyes, and for a second i feel unbearably sad that that private world belongs to only one, the very definition of a lonely place.

2012-01-09T22:21:00.001+08:00

“They say that before you start a war, you better know what you’re fighting for.”
- The Cab (Angel with a Shotgun)
~~~
Everyone has regrets in life. the few pricks in their memories where they wish that they had the courage, reason or strength to fight for their passions. Most people also move on, but those moments keep replying in their minds. Some lose faith in the future and become mentally frozen to the spot, creating more regrets in the present. However, there a rare few that wait and bide the right time to go in a fresh pursuit of that regret, and change the course of their lives forever.
~~~
The thing you can’t have all your life is the thing that will remain the most perfect. It becomes the untouchable dream. It holds surreality, magic and the fear that is you did touch it, your life will drastically change. Many hold their dream in their hearts like a antique china vase - a precious, fragile thing only for closet admiration, nothing more.
~~~

2011-12-26T02:02:00.003+08:00

26122011
MONDAY
02:08
STREET 81
BLINDED.

This Christmas i spent a lot of time catching up on people's lives. seeing people hitch up, break up, grow up, screw up just reminds me that we all don't really know what's going on - we're trying our darnedest best to to be a better person, while having some fun. some things just happen beyond our wildest dreams, and other fall apart the harder we try to hold on to them. we all shouldn't try to hard, really, and just live the moment.

Christmas this year was actually quite meaningful, and I still am in denial that the most crazy, awesome and fulfilling year of my life (so far) is ending. This year i did so many fearless things, felt like a celebrity, gained recognition for my work, made crazy bucks, screwed things up.

I had so much fun being myself, and finally seeing my work getting some limelight in the local scene. next step: get bigger, better and go viral. the greatest feeling is to know what it feels like to have your name be worth something, to be a unique style in demand.

but this Christmas, is somewhat special too. it meant more than I thought it would. This year's Christmas had no tree, no presents under it, but was filled with the joy of friends. Family not so much, very little compared to past years. but it meant that Christmas was busier and somehow a little more rushed too. it was over too fast and I still don't have that jolly holiday feel yet. well, I guess it's a little to late now.

i also realized that most of my posts are at insane timings when I'm insomniac, so I over-think and write these emotional reflections. one resolution is to write these during the day, and see how different this blog becomes.

2011-12-21T02:31:00.003+08:00

this is a twitter feed version of some of the posts in my blog. they are 140 characters long, with time and date. wild idea, but seemed a good way to say things i have no idea how to write.

let us begin with January:

do not think you are weak, you are braver than you think.

we are not the gods. we do not have all the answers.

just remember, God makes no mistakes, it'll be okay in the end.

but nothing can change until my degree. which i will get.

if what I'm saying is senseless today, forgive me.

what we came out with surprised even us.

i was thinking !7 - God be the Glory. but i think it's too cheesy. hmm.

in the cosmic humor that surrounds us, we raise amazing people, make things better, touch people in amazing ways but don’t know, or see.

oh, and let's get rich people.

2011-12-20T21:39:00.003+08:00

20122011
TUESDAY
20:45
STREET 81
CHRISTMAS.

OKAY I LOST MY WHITE OLYMPUS EPL-1. CAMERA SERIAL NO: B3U521387

I'M REALLY DESPERATE. this camera has taken all the pictures you see here and many more. it has even help me survive professional shoots when i run out of battery or ideas.

help me look out for it, i lost it on 4 December so any photograph after that (or not as awesome as mine) is from the new owner! will upload all my photos slowly (since i have no new ones, and no compact flash cards for my new camera) so any photograph on this page is mine too (DUH).

it's five days to Christmas, and frankly, I don't have that high, warm, fuzzy feeling for Christmas.

this year's Christmas feels rushed, overworked, and meaningless. Sure, it has great meaning to me, being the birth of the saviour, but this year it seems empty. Besides, Good Friday and Easter should have a bigger reaction than Christmas, because in His death we have life.

it's also 11 days to new year. thinking back, there were really many awesome things this past year, and even more great people i spent it with. truth be told, i did not even imagine i would do some of the things i've done as part of my job, and in all seriousness i thank everyone who has helped me and taught me wise things on this journey. or if you screwed up with me and had fun, it's all right too. i have no special goals for next year, just for it to surprise me and for me to be a better person in Christ than last year.

may this year and the next bring you joy and may you and your family experience happiness, good health and peace. Because in the end it's all that matters.

for a trip down memory lane:

2011-12-10T22:32:00.003+08:00

121211

MONDAY

22:51

STREET 81

UNNOTICED.

t's been a long time since i skated. went on Friday with sis, and it started drizzling halfway through. since running in the rain is no big deal, skating shouldn't be too.

Lo and behold i fell sick today. couldn't even get up from my bed in the morning to eat meds. so i missed a tribe meeting, service and had the most unproductive day of the year. just studied on my bed and felt miserable the whole day.

next time i know better - take flu medication and sleep so i still can function.

well taking medication means i can't donate blood for three weeks, so i can't donate this year. this sucks horribly too. was planning to give a second time before year end but no. :(

was looking through some submissions to groups in DA, and nothing really caught my eye. Suddenly my brain decides to be a jerk and asks me: "If all these people are famous/have widely viewed photos/ self-portraits that have tons of favourites, then WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING WRONG?"true, true, i spend so much time and effort snapping, editing and selecting pictures i think are stellar for the world, and the worlds goes and enjoys some picture of a girl with a compact camera aimed at her make-up laden face. why? why does art or hard work get taken for granted? impromptu, amateurish attention seeking girls with a phone camera can claim they are photographers and people actually support them instead. sheesh.

okay rant over. just that this holiday hasn't been up to expectation really.

2011-11-27T00:56:00.007+08:00

27112011
SUNDAY
01:08

STREET 81
TWISTS OF FATE.

Life Goes On by GYM CLASS HEROES ft OH LAND

Let's go!

[Oh Land - Chorus]

Oh when the day is gone

Oh when the nights are long

Life goes on

We gotta live it up til it's gone

Cuz we won't be around too long

Life goes on

[Travie McCoy]

Lately it seems the good dreams are few and far between

Nightmares are putting fires out with gasoline

And I'm just tryna stay rightous

Sometimes I see my own face in Christ's likeness

And apart from my life's vices, fifteen years young had my first mid-life crisis

But it's tough to stay up right empire from people you hold high speeding up the most buyers

My daddy told me misery loves company

If that's the case they must hating they ain't getting none from me

I don't sweat it, they set better in my DNA

I got a good heart, and bad braids be a man

[Travie McCoy]

Up late, Facebook, and playing "Could've Been"

Starin at an empty bed my ex girl should've been in

Thinking what I woulda done different

Not a damn thing cuz finally i'm done with it

Besides I got a girl that adores me

And I never take for granted all things she does for me

I shoot the moon down and put it on a wedding band

Then they see the songs of mine too, cause she's an Otis Redding fan

And she'll never forget it man,

Cuz she knows she'll never find a better man

Let's go ahead with these wedding plans

Come on, let's sing a song life goes on

[Bridge]

You take too much for granted

I just can't understand it

We don't ask, we demand it

He been trying not to panic

it near the end of another year. not long ago, i was blogging about my dreams and hope for this year. well, this post was about all the unexpected things this year.

first mention is for the friends. i wouldn't imagine myself to be surrounded with close friends in school. i haven't been the one to hang out after school, but I'm glad they gave me a chance. going to poly has taught me how to interact with others better, rather than sitting in my own shell and waiting for others to approach me. moving on from here: i want to learn and grow as a person, and become a better friend.

second mention is for the jobs. i have worked so many jobs this year: photographer, ticketing officer, sales, tour guide, data entry, medic, DIY artist. but the best and dream job was this whole eventful year with Welcome the World, MCYS.

they provided me with once in a lifetime opportunities - media passes and insider events. this job taught me the behind-the-scenes life of someone working media or media relations in any event; they truly are unsung heroes. i acquired more cameras to suit the job, and learnt from my mistakes along the way. i met many professionals who taught me valuable things, and many people who changed my life and shaped my photographing character. i learnt, personally, that it's okay to be different and new, to be active, to fight for your angle, to have my own view on the matter and to sell myself so that the right people remember me. moving on from here: i want to try another scope of photography - nature and wildlife photography, or studio photography. i want to be able to set up my own business and print my own name cards. i want to win competitions and get more diverse credits. most importantly, i want to continue to love my place behind the lens.

third mention is for the people i have reconnected with this year. they made this year special, because they form some of the most precious things of life: life-long friends. they comforted me when life got tough and shared with my joys. even mundane things can be shared and celebrated with them. moving on from here: i want to remember all the things we shared forever, and i want to be able to just appreciate this thing we have. this sweet fragile, precious thing.

2011-11-14T22:01:00.003+08:00

14112011
MONDAY
22:19
STREET 81
HURTS.

when people come together, they give and they get. not everyone deserves what they get, and not everyone gives as much as they should. but in the and we all grow and help each other along, knowingly or unwittingly.

every time you let someone near you, you risk yourself being hurt.

today is not a good day to begin with. woke up feeling so tired physically and mentally, and my whole body just ached all over. my knees and thighs are sore and swollen, and my right hand is cramped and tense the whole day. my body also agreed not to coordinate today, so i kept tripping over myself.

then couldn't print anything at home due to shitty printer, haven't finish report due today (finished it one hour before the dateline) and crash studied for tutorial class. didn't have enough money for my own bus fare (bus uncle called me stupid for not checking beforehand and refuse to issue ticket ): ) standing up and knocking my head on all the poles in 969 because i was falling asleep. finally reached Katib without falling apart, and when i reached the platform the train just left. one ungrateful woman blatantly tried to push me out of the train after i let her in first so she could sms (she used he hand and pushed, and one kind soul grabbed me back in in time. she even ignored all the stares of everyone else.)

then it started to get better

at least i know it can only get better.

2011-11-06T01:50:00.002+08:00

06112011
SUNDAY
01:51
STREET 81
CLARITY.

the night always brings some clarity that the busy day eclipses.

my new psp in coming in 3 days!!!

[XD] [:)] [:D] [^^] [B)]

*commence countdown with drum roll*

this week has been a fulfilling week: revision, school, friends, flag day, painted my nails purple, made some money, did some ushering. slow week that got faster and more packed as it went, but it's been a fine one.

feeling really blessed and ministered through doing devotions this week. i thought God would just give me a verse and a sweet short something to sms out, and it'll be like a daily kinda thing. i didn't expect what i would get. every time i asked God for a word, he gives me a sermon of His thoughts. i have long smses that i try to shorten. it's really amazing how everything reaches a clarity and coherence when He speaks to your heart. through the daily devotions, he has convicted me of many things in my life i need to be aware of, and He really gives me joy.

since the start of the second semester, people who i don't know personally keep asking me whether i have a boyfriend. when i reply that i want to focus on studying now and be a student, they all say that life is about having fun and getting to know people. when i say that comes later in life, they say i'm chicken.

well, yeah, i think that life is about fun, and getting to know people. BUT, life is not about being immature, and playing around with people's feelings. Any relationship should begin with an end in mind: marriage. i don't want to stumble around and hurt, then realize that's not the way it should be. been there, not going back again.

i've had enough of people not being serious with relationships. for Pete's sake, it's love and emotion we're talking about! not the latest iPhone or your crush of the month. it's someone's soul and heart. that person is just like you. if someone wasn't ready / serious / didn't want to lose out, and played you intentionally/unintentionally, you know you'll want to rip that person's guts out. so will the person you play your love games with.

call me chicken. call me insecure or scared. i know i'm not ready, and i'm not looking for one right now. you have a right to your own heart, so if you think you are ready and mature enough, i wish you happiness and blessing in all your relationships, and that you find true and real joy. and if you know you're not ready, i beg you not to hurt another fellow human being. please.

2011-11-03T23:10:00.011+08:00

00:00
05112011
FRIDAY

STREET 81
HALLELUJAH.

HALLELUJAH - SHREK SOUNDTRACK

I’ve heard there was a secret chord
That David played and it pleased the Lord

But you don’t really care for music do you?

It goes like this, the fourth, the fifth
The minor fall, the major lift
The baffled King composing Hallelujah

Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah

Your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty in the moonlight overthrew you

She tied you to a kitchen chair
She broke your throne, and she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the hallelujah

Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah

Maybe I’ve been here before
I know this room, I’ve walked this floor
I used to live alone before I knew you

I’ve seen your flag on the marble arch
Love is not a victory march
It’s a cold and it’s a broken hallelujah

Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah

There was a time when you let me know
What’s real and going on below
But now you never show it to me, do you?

And remember when I moved in you
The Holy Dark was moving too
And every breath we drew was hallelujah

Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah

Maybe there’s a God above
And all I ever learned from love
Was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you

And it’s not a cry you can hear at night
It’s not somebody who’s seen the light
It’s a cold and it’s a broken hallelujah

Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah

Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah

heard this song during the first movie, reminded of it recently. it's a beautiful song by a broken hearted man. it's a hymn of pained love, and of psalm of lament with King David references. sweet simple song.

been listening to Connie Talbot, and man, every time she sings "Somewhere over the Rainbow" it's touching. she's come a long way since appearing on Britain's got talent at age 6. now she's 10, has three sold-out albums, and has a fourth album in the oven. still posts awesome covers on YouTube, worth a subscription.

you know, every time i blog, i try to make the posts light hearted and interesting. i want people to read and come back again the next time i post. i want them to think about their own lives and their friends and themselves.

this time, I'm going to post what i want to say.

life is not as great as i tell myself. i make mistakes and i screw up. sometimes badly, other times just bad enough to ruin my day. i will smile at you and joke with you, but the truth is you may have already irritated me and i feel like punching you. i think that true friends are really hard to find, and i don't trust easy, but if you're my friend, i can lay may life down for you. i am lazy, i don't bother to dress up and i hate taking pictures of myself even if I'm a photographer.

i think that the work i do is and forever will be under-recognized, and that i should make money than people think i deserve. i am far from perfect, but i am bold, and loud. if you do me wrong, i won't hold it against you, but i will make sure i don't fall for the same trick twice.

i think anything i can make is not worth buying, especially jewelery and shirts. i am critical of other's people artwork (if it's other things i don't really have any opinion) so if you impress me,it means i can't make it or i really think you are talent. i will rather buy blank, single color clothes and design them myself than go shop. i love wearing my own designs, be it shoes or jewellery. i dislike myself in glasses and skirts. i think tan tops are the most useful clothing ever invented, because they go with everything.

i hate dreaming, unless i cannot help it. i have more nightmares than good ones. i would rather make myself so tired that i can't dream. i remember more of my dreams than i want to, and they scare me when i wake up. i like the feeling of staying up all night and being touched with a feeling of surrealism where your mind just floats around the whole day. I'm angry at myself more times than i care to admit, and when I'm angry i feel like punching something or doing something dangerous.

i love English bands, and i listen to the occasional Chinese song to remember. i think songs are a sea of music to get lost in, and the lyrics mean a lot to me. or if the beats just loud and fun, and brings back wonderful memories, it's cool too. i don't watch TV, and i don't know any popular actors unless i see their face somewhere. Hollywood doesn't interest me, and i think in any movie, all that matters is the story and morals, not how hot the male lead is.

i want to be musically talented, and i want to sing my songs in front of a large crowd someday. but now, i just think my songs are cheesy and shallow, and I'm desperately trying to learn guitar so i can perform them one day. i want to be able to dance too. i took classes and i can move, but i want to sweat, let go and naturally impress people. i want to dance like in the movies, i want to be the girl in sneakers that has a cheerful spring in every move.

i am not what i show you.

2011-10-31T05:50:00.001+08:00

31102011
MONDAY
02:51
STREET 81
ABSOLUTELY.

Lover of my soul
I want to tell you
Only you have all of me
I cannot contain my adoration
I'm in love so desperately

No one is as lovely as you are
There is no one else who has my heart

Jesus you have me completely
Every breath I breathe
I am absolutely in love
Jesus I am yours forever
All of me surrenders
I am absolutely in love with you

Down upon my knees
I'm lost in worship
Humbled by your majesty
What is there to say
But how I love you
Thank you for forgiving me

All I am is yours (all I am is yours)
Only yours

this week has been beautiful.

no, I don't mean that it has been awesome, or exceptionally exciting. in fact, it had a somewhat sleepy haze to it. everything moved slowly, but clearly. it was akin to being caught in a time machine where events were slowed down, and you could enjoy every moment.

I mean that it had a natural beauty. the beauty of friendship, the beauty of a faithful God, the beauty of the sun rising everyday despite all the despair and disappointment. even if some things didn't go the way i wanted to, I learnt many valuable lessons: who my friends truly are, and that there's more than one way to make things right.

just started writing to a pen-pal in Missouri USA, waiting for the correspondence to start. it's quite exciting to get a personally addressed letter that's handwritten instead of being signed by a computer. i guess rarity and laziness makes what's common 20 years ago novel now.oh, and Happy Halloween. go and have fun, candy and a good night.did a couple events this year, and boy, I'm always amazed by the power of media, and the fact that all of us have that power at our fingertips.okay I've got morning class, so i'm leaving my house after posting this.

2011-10-18T19:09:00.003+08:00

18102011
TUESDAY
22:36
STREET 81
BATTLES.

watched REAL STEEL today.

it's a touching story behind all the raw metal-crunching action: a story about how a dad starts out by fighting for the love of it, then the fight changed. He saw his kid, and his heart turned to fighting for his kid instead. It was a greater goal and a greater purpose than the selfish one he started with.

it teaches also the fight to survive: if you can tough it out, everything will be okay. and that the size does not matter.

another thing: humanity will always be greater than pure science, because it is our soul and ability to learn and adapt that ensures our survival.

Emilyn and I talked about fighting styles on the way home. she said that she wanted to learn a unique but practical fighting style. my opinion is simple - if someone punches you in the face, you stand up and punch them back, hard and between the eyes for that matter. sure, the saying goes that you should "offer the other cheek", but i believe that saying only applies to slaps. if someone slaps you, you kind of deserve it cause you must have did something that amounted to that slap. but man, if someone punches you, it just means that guy just wants a beating back. i mean, come on, no one throws a punch expecting no reaction from their opponent. Me? you hit me, I'll hit back and I'm sure will give it everything. even if I'm the one that lands face-first on the pavement, i won't go without hurting some part of you.

survival of the fittest (or the smartest for that matter.)

oh well, go watch it. you won't regret.

2011-10-15T00:31:00.003+08:00

15102011
SATURDAY
00:34
(in 12hr format reads 12:34!)
STREET 81
GROUNDHOG DAY. [THE FILM]

do you know the movie SOURCE CODE? it's like the movie GROUNDHOG DAY, but explained with quantum physics and more purposeful, and that it's on a train instead of a town. In fact this post is more about the idea of reliving a day of your life forever and ever, more than the plot of these two films.

Imagine if you had to, for the rest of eternity, relive a single day of your life.

what would you do? would you do everything the same way every single time? or will you make it into the best dy of your life?

i'll pick the day when i stay the whole day in Thailand, snorkelling. i'll go back, and explore the whole island, and then some. i'll get to know the people in town, and know myself better.

or maybe not.

2011-10-07T16:18:00.004+08:00

"This Is War - 30 Seconds to Mars"

A warning to the people,
The good and the evil,
This is war.

To the soldier, the civilian,
The martyr, the victim,
This is war.

It's the moment of truth, and the moment to lie,
The moment to live and the moment to die,
The moment to fight, the moment to fight
To fight, to fight, to fight!

To the right, To the left
We will fight to the death!
To the edge of the earth
It's a brave new world
From the last to the first

To the right, To the left
We will fight to the death!
To the edge of the earth
It's a brave new world
It's a brave new world!

A warning to the prophet,
The liar, the honest,
This is war.

To the leader, the pariah,
The victor, the messiah,
This is war.

It's the moment of truth, and the moment to lie,
The moment to live and the moment to die,
The moment to fight, the moment to fight,
To fight, to fight, to fight!

To the right, To the left
We will fight to the death!
To the edge of the earth
It's a brave new world
From the last to the first

To the right, To the left
We will fight to the death!
To the edge of the earth
It's a brave new world
It's a brave new world
It's a brave new world!

I do believe in the light
Raise your hands into the sky
The fight is done, the war is won
Lift your hands toward the sun
Toward the sun
Toward the sun
Toward the sun
The war is won

To the right, To the left
We will fight to the death!
To the edge of the earth
It's a brave new world
From the last to the first

To the right, To the left
We will fight to the death!
To the edge of the earth
It's a brave new world
It's a brave new world
It's a brave new world!

A brave new world
The war is won
The war is won
A brave new world

2011-10-06T21:32:00.007+08:00

06102011
THURSDAY
21:00
STREET 81
BOARDING SCHOOL.

I cannot wait.

I know I sound stupid, or crazy, but it represents everything good and wholesome in my childhood. the smell of the sea, the fish and the feeling of the wood under your feet. on a bad day, I imagine myself back there, and IT serves as an instant pick me up.

The trip isn't a regular trip to Malaysia by a bunch of Singaporeans, it is a celebration of growing up in a self-sustainable culture. it is fascinating how that small familiar hut has grown to the size it is today. the way that places works never fails to amaze me; how everyone is just so comfortable with each other. people there have a healthy respect for nature and her provisions, yet they rejoice in every catch. it is a place in the middle of the sea that people can be free, not because it has air-conditioning or an Xbox, but simply because it reminds us all how happiness is found in the simple life.

You have to live it as your life to know what i'm talking about - not a tourist who goes, sees, and then returns to another life. it's like boarding school - you live and strive your existence to go back that one time each year, and for the rest of the year you think about going back. there is no "another life", because it's just the way you live.

I can't wait to go back. Really. More than you will ever, ever know.

She calls me from the cold
Just when I was low, feeling short of stable
And all that she intends
And all she keeps inside, isn't on the label

She says she's ashamed
And can she take me for awhile
And can I be a friend, we'll forget the past
But maybe I'm not able
And I break at the bend

We're here and now, but will we ever be again
'Cause I have found
All that shimmers in this world is sure to fade
Away again

She dreams a champagne dream
Strawberry surprise, pink linen on white paper
Lavender and cream
Fields of butterflies, reality escapes her

She says that love is for fools who fall behind
And I'm somewhere in between
I never really know
A killer from a savior
'Til I break at the bend

We're here and now, but will we ever be again
'Cause I have found
All that shimmers in this world is sure to fade
Away again

It's too far away for me to hold
It's too far away...
It's too far away for me to hold
It's too far away...

2011-10-01T19:59:00.003+08:00

01102011
SATURDAY
16:00
STREET 81
DOIN' THE BRUNO.

i haven't had much luck with Wonderwall, cause i can't seem to ge the strumming pattern right. like piano, i learnt the left hand and right hand separately, but i just cant seem to join them in time together. practice, practice.

new song that's all the rage: IT WILL RAIN - BRUNO MARS it's n the mixpod player, and has nothing to do with the fact that it's Breaking Dawn's first single. in my opinion, Bruno is very talented artist, and regardless of the movie, this track deserves some media limelight for the catchy tune it is.

three weeks left in the holidays, and Wednesday is

finally money is rolling in~

2011-09-28T14:41:00.005+08:00

28092011
WEDNESDAY
15:32
STREET 81
MOVING ON.

On my Way - Brother Bear

Tell everybody I'm on my way
New friends and new places to see
With blue skies ahead yes
I'm on my way
And there's nowhere else
that I'd rather be

Tell everybody I'm on my way
And I'm loving every step I take
With the sun beating down yes
I'm on my way
And I can't keep this smile off my face

'Cause there's nothing like seeing
each other again
No matter what the distance between
And the stories that we tell
will make you smile
Oh it really lifts my heart

So tell 'em all I'm on my way
New friends and new places to see
And to sleep under the stars
Who could ask for more
With the moon keeping watch over me

Not the snow, not the rain
Can change my mind
The sun will come out, wait and see
And the feeling of the wind in your face
Can lift your heart
Oh there's nowhere I would rather be

'Cause I'm on my way now-
well and truly
I'm on my way now

(I'm on my way now)
REPEAT

Tell everybody I'm on my way
And I just can't wait to be there
With blue skies ahead yes
I'm on my way
And nothing but good times to share

So tell everybody I'm on my way
And I just can't wait to be home
With the sun beating down yes
I'm on my way
And nothing but good times to show
I'm on my way

2011-09-26T17:08:00.000+08:00

26092011
MONDAY
16:53
STREET 81
BACK TO THE BEGINNING.

It's been a long time since I posted. my last post was like three weeks ago.

the holidays have been fine so far - jobs, friends and family.

on jobs, the idea was to get as much money out of this holiday as possible. saving up a really big amount for the things I want to do next year, and possibly an overseas trip might be in order.

on friends, this holiday has been somewhat a sabbatical period. mostly just to think and work. I've gone to a lot of barbecues, seen a movie, but that's it.

on family, this holiday has led me to realize that family is so much more important that i give it credit for. the fragility of losing family is real, and I don't want to lose someone without telling them how much they mean to me.

I've finished all the bones episodes available, so I'm just waiting for November third to come.

"you have the freedom of speech. so you might want to start thinking whether you have anything worth saying for others to hear."

2011-08-18T20:05:00.001+08:00

I stare at my reflection in the mirror...
Why am I doing this to myself?
Losing my mind on a tiny error,
I nearly left the real me on the shelf...
"no, no, no, no..."

To lose it all in the blur of the start!
Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing,
It's okay not to be okay...
Sometimes it's hard, to follow your heart.
Tears don't mean you're losing, everybody's bruising,
Just be true to who you are!
(Who you are)x11

Brushing my hair, do I look perfect?
I forgot what to do to fit the mold, yeah!
The more I try the less is working yeah yeah yeah
'Cause everything aside me screams, "no, no, no, no..."

To lose it all in the blur of the start!
Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing,

It's okay not to be okay...
Sometimes it's hard, to follow your heart.
But tears don't mean you're losing, everybody's bruising,
There's nothing wrong with who you are!

Yes?, he goes, fake shows
Like "wow", just go, and leave me alone!
Real talk, real life, good love, goodnight,
With a smile...
That's my own! (that is my own) "no, no, no, no..."

To lose it all in the blur of the start!
Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing,
It's okay not to be okay...
Sometimes it's hard, to follow your heart.
Tears don't mean you're losing, everybody's bruising,
Just be true to who you are!
Yeah yeah yeah

Jessie J - Who You Are

2011-08-10T20:04:00.002+08:00

TUMBLR STYLE.

i just really want to row again. call them withdrawal symptoms if you like. just not too friendly now, and probably won't be until the exams finish.

sometimes, you get tired of your life. you want it to be different, to be more noticeable among all the anonymity in the busy city.

but then again, your life made you who you are right?

i'll do away the date on this one.

2011-08-03T01:50:00.004+08:00

03082011
WEDNESDAY
02:00
STREET 81
VENEER.

"just cause you SAVED my life once."

"just cause you saved my LIFE once."

"just cause you saved my life ONCE."

"just caused you saved MY life once."

personally, i prefer the second emphasis. sorry, this sentence has been running through my life since the last post, and i need to do something about it.

found this super cute Periodic table to study to;, another reason why i love Chemistry. this one is called The Elementals off the Chrome web store for free, and super cute. like they blink, and list the atomic weights of elements to the THIRD decimal place, number of protons and electrons, symbols and relative size in cute colors. they also tell you the nature of the element (metal/noble gas/non-metal/metalloid...). sweetest thing of the education section in my opinion:

the color (character) of the elements change according to their nature. Phosphorus is RED!

Silicon is BLUEEEE. without the period table it kind of follows your clicks and blinks at you.

No. 1 - HYDROGEN :D >< you can see the electron in this one!

super CUTE ONLY RIGHT ^^

2011-07-28T03:33:00.003+08:00

28072011
THURSDAY
03:33
STREET 81
CONFLICT.

I know you want to stay in bed
But it's light outside
It's light outside
So know I am going to stay right here
Because you saved my life once
You saved my life

And I would try to get you out
because it's beautiful outside
And we will fall
We will try
And do our best and I love you otherwise
Because you saved my life once
Because you saved my life once

I know you want to rest your head
and just forget the night
forget the night
So you know I am going to stay right here
And sit by your side
By your side

I think you always knew would be
I think you always knew would be
The greatest

Because you saved my life once
Because you saved my life once

- Lights Outside by Wakey! Wakey!

your brain is a logical thing, but one of the body's weakest organs. that's because it doesn't deal with all the pain your heart has to go through just to keep pumping.

so many people have talked about my boating; some for, some against. those that were for boating are the easiest to agree with cause they are the ones feeling it with me, doing what i do. those that are against - some are biased, most express concern. to tell you the truth, i joined it not for the muscles, or the strength, but because i really wanted to row. it's about the water; i love that feeling of the sun and the breeze with it. not cause I'll get all beefy and can punch real hard. it's just the side effects.

for the biased, i mean, have you even tried it? it's like saying studying sucks just cause it takes up your time, makes you tired and you haven't tired it. seriously, speak from experience, not from hearsay.

it's easier to judge is you've never been in that lifestyle; everyone knows that wards are free and generated by the dozen. the point is, the right to judge is reserved for those who know all of it, and do you truly? think then, before you take the liberty to do so.

I've always told mom: I'm saving up so i can start somewhere new. but that place won't be new if all I'm doing is running away from my own demons. what i really want, is somewhere where I'm completely new and on my own, to make my own person without all the judgement.

maybe 'll make it, maybe not, but that's for God to decide - not you, not me.

CHECK MY DEVIANT ART.
NEW PICS THERE.
SHARE THE LOVE.
PEACE. (Y)

2011-07-26T00:17:00.004+08:00

26072011
TUESDAY
00:25
STREET 81
WILT.

talk to people. talk to them more. how?

i'm not good with speaking. i cannot delete what i say if i think it's worthless or harsh. i cannot perfect it; the beautiful on paper become raw and uncouth spoken.

talking reveals to another your own person, one you cannot hide even you choose your words.

The written language can be significantly more precise. Written words can be chosen with greater deliberation and thought, and a written argument can be extraordinarily sophisticated, intricate, and lengthy. These attributes of writing are possible because the pace of involvement is controlled by both the writer and the reader. The writer can write and rewrite at great length, a span of time which in some cases can be measured in years. Similarly, the reader can read quickly or slowly or even stop to think about what he or she has just read. More importantly, the reader always has the option of re-reading; even if that option is not exercised, its mere possibility has an effect upon a reader's understanding of a text. The written word appeals more to a contemplative, deliberative style.
~Differences Between Oral and Written Communication
Vincent Ferraro and Kathryn C. Palmer
Mount Holyoke College
South Hadley, MA 01075
Speaking and Arguing: The Rhetoric of Peace and War

___________________________________________________________________

life always hands us tough choices, they stink even when there's no wrong or right. life, sadly, is not all about you, and what you do ultimately affects many you influence.

priorities, priorities.

2011-07-23T12:44:00.003+08:00

23072011
SATURDAY
12:46
STREET 81
LEAVING.

[CHORUS]
My heart's a stereo
It beats for you, so listen close
Hear my thoughts in every note
Make me your radio (Yeah)
And turn me up when you feel low (Turn it up a little bit)
This melody was meant for you (Right there)
Just sing along to my stereo

[VERSE 1]
Gym Class Heroes baby!
If I was just another dusty record on the shelf
Would you blow me off and play me like everybody else
If I asked you to scratch my back, could you manage that
Like it, re-yea, check it Travie, I can handle that
Furthermore, I apologize for any skipping tracks
It's just the last girl to play me left a couple cracks
I used to, used to, used to, used to, now I'm over that
Cause holding grudges over love is ancient artifacts

If I could only find a note to make you understand
I'd sing it softly in your ear and grab you by the hands
Keep me stuck inside your head, like your favorite tune
And know my heart's a stereo that only plays for you

[VERSE 2]
Let's go!
If I was an old school, fifty pound boom-box (Member them?)
Would you hold me on your shoulder wherever you walk
Would you turn my volume up in front of the cops (Turn it up)
And crank it higher every time they told you to stop
And all I ask is that you don't get mad at me (Mad at me)
When you have to purchase mad D batteries (Batteries)
Appreciate every mix tape your friends make (Friends make)
You never know we come and go like on the interstate (Never know)
I think finally found a note to make you understand
If you can hear this, sing along and take me by the hands
Keep my stuck inside your head like your favorite tune
You know my heart's a stereo that only plays for you

[Bridge]
I only pray you'll never leave me behind (Never leave me)
Because good music can be so hard to find (So hard to find)
I'll take your hand and hold it closer to mine (Yeah)
Thought love was dead but now you changed my mind (Yeah, yeah, come on, woo!)

had this talk with mum about my studies, boating and church. had this feeling like it was st john competitions time all over again, except that this time it had church in it too.

problem is, i have never felt so good about something like this. i mean, st john, yeah, i could manage that. but i couldn't think when i started st john i was going to last all four years with them; i somehow made it. in dragon boating, i can see us holding our first medals and cup together, i can see us screaming and crying together.

i see the DB warriors as one person together, not apart i guess - one that can survive and prove the world wrong.

then church. i mean, she doesn't go church regularly, why lecture me? i drag her Saturday nights even. but i love my cellies; i want to spend as much time as possible. i try to make everything work out, but i end up giving each only a fraction of my attention. both are demanding of my time and focus; i think of warriors when I'm in church and cellies when I'm rowing. i feel alien and apart from everyone; each person on the other side has only one life, and i try to live both.

This is not a ranting post, nor is it one of despair. the critics have not won. it just seems to get harder, but like i said, you cannot make me choose; only to a compromise. i can do only what one girl has to her best, and to the last of that best.

just needed to get things of my system, i was reminded of a verse i keep in my wallet:

Isaiah 40:31
"but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."

kept seeing this verse throughout the week - nce during NYP open cell, once in an sms, and everyday i make an effort to pray with this verse before my day starts. so motivational. God speaks His consolation and peace in smaller and quieter than we ever imagine.

2011-07-19T11:29:00.005+08:00

19072011
TUESDAY
12:14
NYP HALL S2
HOUR OF CITY MAGIC.

If you try sitting at the esplanade for one hour, it's easy to fall into the rhythm of the city. There is music from the overhead speakers, the busy river traffic that lends to so many memories. The people around me in no particular hurry, lazy after their Sunday brunches. Giggles from the merriment of children fill the pauses of the noon music. Couples are aplenty, all whispering and leaning into each other. Parents bustle around their children, orbiting to shower their precious child with attention, forming a picture of kindred bliss. Tourists red with the humidity and sunburn flock here to the banks of the Singapore River, clicking furiously with their posh cameras and flamboyant poses. A live band begins to play; someone whistles a happy tune along to it.

Suddenly, the humdrum is broken by a single stray cloud. It dumps it huge store upon the merry scene, and as one the scene immediately changes. the bumboats rush madly to the docks, and passengers like ants scurry into the air-condition malls for shelter. The raindrops grow fatter, and their plump wetness soaks the hot afternoon to saturation.

Finally the brief shower ends. The buildings tower around the little pier, where the first of the sun's rays dance from the glossy, glassed sides, a dazzling display of gold and brilliance. They fall to the water surface, tainting each of the small waves' tips with that touch of natural magic.

ViSion was awesome, has all the looks of a global standard theatre performance, with that huge rush of giddying magic. really worth every minute and cent. it inspired this post, and i strongly encourage all to watch it!

finally not sick, only the fever is left, and only in the mornings. stupid virus going around the class. lots of them been down, largest suspect is Terrence for introducing this ailment.

new favourite spider:

SCIENTIFIC NAME
Latrodectus bishopi

SIZE
The average size of mature, female Red Widow spiders is approximately .5 inch, with a leg span of 1.5 to 2 inches. Mature, male Red Widow spiders are much smaller - approximately 1/3 the size of the female.

DESCRIPTION
The cephalothorax (head) and legs of Red Widow spiders are a rusty-reddish color. The abdomen is black, and generally has rows of red or orange dots, which are outlined in white or yellow. Red Widow spiders do not typically have the well-known hourglass marking on the underside of their abdomen, but instead have only one single red mark, which resembles a flattened triangle.

DISTRIBUTION
The Red Widow is only found in central and southern Florida. It is not known to exist outside of the United States.

HABITS
Nocturnal, only the female of the species will aggressively defend her web and territory. The male of the species is wandering, reconstructing a new web once very few days in a new area. mating and hunting habits are similar to the black widow family, with a powerful venom said to be stronger than the black widow, with a paralysing effect and spasms.

2011-07-12T23:56:00.004+08:00

12072011
TUESDAY
23:59
STREET 81
OHANA.

Ohana is a Hawaiian word meaning 'family, kin group, or extended family'.

i blog about things personal to me, because i think as humans we relate via our own experiences, and by doing so i hope all of us have strength to carry on together. sometimes they're lengthy, sometimes just a peek of something bigger. usually these are things that i think about before bed, or have taken up much in my life. if you read all the way, thanks for putting up with some really random happenings. if you don't, then it's all right.

in training, i guess this is true. we become stronger together, get to know one another well.

in church, it's evident on our easiness with each other, the comfortable jokes and how we are so ourselves it funny. they make every week worthwhile to last through, because i get to see them every weekend.

both are important, you can't make me choose.

2011-07-11T12:55:00.003+08:00

11072011
MONDAY
13:03
STREET 81
[CONCENTRATION.]

I tried pushing evolution
As the obvious conclusion of the start.
But it was for my own amusement
Saying love was an illusion of a hopeless heart.
Of all of the things that she's ever said
She goes and says something that knocks me dead.

You won't find faith or hope down a telescope
You won't find heart and soul in the stars
You can break everything down to chemicals
But you can't explain a love like ours.

- The Script

this is one blog post i keep editing.

many things happen in one month. my life has taken an aeroplane of it's own, coming up with new and exciting things every weekend to surprise me. i'm a boiling pot of emotions wherever i go: happy, excited, stressed, tired. my life is tied so much to things beyond my control, that it has lead me to a different height and a while new perspective.

Nanyang is second among all the polytechnics, so close to the first. it was an eye-opening experience to feel our seniors highs and lows; to hear the screams and blood in your ears when you are in your own race. every drum beat calls for more power; the adrenalin is a powerful addictive drug. when your muscles feel like they have expended their all and your mind is hell bent on the finishing line. that not giving up, it's so alluring when i think back about the races. i guess even if i probably forget what actually happens, this feeling i'll still remember.

went for 4 Empathy gathering during Iris' birthday, good to see most of them again after so long. we look so different! i'm so tanned, certain people are as skinny / tall / beautiful / handsome / nonsensical as ever, but all of us have taken such diverse routes. some poly, so JC, but all still hanging in there. the CCAs we took are also quite surprising! Rongda is a cheerleader (i want to see him perform one day!), Vern is skating (expected this one); Nigel and i are both boaters. He has really slimmed and toned up much more. i imagine if both of did race, now we have equal chances of winning. he used to be this fat kid, but now he's much better. but the best is just to know that this bunch of people are still there even if we did move on in our lives. at one point of time in our lives we were stuck together and had the time of our lives together. i guess we will all remember that.

another important thing during this time is that the church is launching the 40-UP campaign. all the plans we are making in AnT cell has me hyped up and raring to go: the picnics, study sessions and meetings. i beleive we are in for a awesome and miraculous time together. Amen!

back on editing lately, sorry for dragging my photo releases. i promise to finish them as soon as i can, and i must learn to stop going for so many shoots and just edit finish my photos. beauty is to be shared not concealed, someone once said. so i'll share the beauty i see with you guys soon. but in the mean time here's a teaser to, obviously, tease you my supporters. cheerios B).

YOU ARE ONLY AS STRONG AS YOU BELIEVE TO BE.

Don't be an eagle among the chickens.

2011-07-01T11:11:00.003+08:00

01072011
FRIDAY
11:12
STREET 81
NERVOUS.

going to school in a couple hours to have dinner with fellow DB warriors. seems silly but hey, i got nothing on today, and home all day seems lazy.

tomorrow is our first ever race at Marina Barrage, first race ever really. tomorrow will test whether we are stronger in both mind and body. tomorrow will see whether we are one team in spirit. tomorrow is the day we will perform, even better than in our trainings. i believe in us.

okay, i just nervous about tomorrow. i remember a line from one of my teachers: Nervousness is the by product of having trained hard. it's the best friend of confidence, because you shouldn't be over confident either. today, go enjoy your nervousness as a sign you have put in effort, and wake up strong and ready.

shouldn't that be the case for everything? i guess it's just effort not to let the nervousness show.

2011-06-28T23:57:00.003+08:00

28062011
TUESDAY
18:10
NYP DB CLUBROOM
STRENGTH.

strength to many is just about your physical capabilities: how much you can bench press or how may laps of the stadium you can run. true, strength does encompass that meaning, but joining dragon boat has led me to really look at strength and being strong differently.

I'm not the most fit of people. i think before i joined, I'm somewhat of a slob cause i only biked and ran really rarely. then i joined and all hell let loose on my muscles. the aches, for starters, but there was also a great feeling of accomplishment when you do TEN rounds around a track and still lift weights. correction, not great, but in a SUPERB AWESOME I-MADE-IT kind of way. that feeling was better than all the drills or science competitions I've ever won.

it's more about defeating yourself and that mindset, that you are stronger than you actually believe. that the stitch you think is going to kill you ends up a little thing in the sidelines of adrenalin. that the fat, sloppy you becomes more alert, disciplined and fit. man, i tell you that you only can try to believe you actually can do it.

when i think about strength, it reminds me of this old song i used to sing in primary school:

You are my strength when I am weak
You are the treasure that I seek
You are my all in all
Seeking You as a precious jewel
Lord, to give up I'd be a fool
You are my all in all

Taking my sin, my cross, my shame
Rising up again I bless Your name
You are my all in all
When I fall down You pick me up
When I am dry You fill my cup
You are my all in all

Jesus, Lamb of God
Worthy is Your name
Jesus, Lamb of God
Worthy is Your name

it's really hard balancing life with everything else. dragon boat is demanding (what else would you expect?) but i will make a way. or at least God will make one.

after joining dragon boat, i hear so many stories about people leaving church because both are time consuming and fight for attention. i don't believe you have to sacrifice your faith for your goal right? i know i may not look like the part (now), but no one started out buff. everyone trained, and gave up their time for it. i really want to make both worlds work, and i believe i can do it. if nobody has tried, how can they say it's not possible?

that said, i will try t strike a balance. because without faith I'm nothing too.

2011-06-21T23:43:00.003+08:00

21062011
TUESDAY
23:45
STREET 81
MORNING COLD.

i'm writing this while waiting a whole week for my glossy prints to come out.

the retreat at Changi was a interesting and comfortable one. it combined a few of the things i wanted to do, but it taught me many more important lessons about myself and my walk with God.

one thing it let me do was know my cellies a lot more. for the girls, we did reach a state of easiness with each other, which was soothing to know you will have such dependable friends in a changing world. they are so dear to me. for the guys, it was fun to learn new things about them and just hang out. it was a lot more people than cell group usually was, and it reminded me again why i love them so much.

another thing it let me do was visit Changi again. i haven't been back for about half a year, and i haven't got the time even then to really think what i liked about the place and pen it down. but now i got on film the jetty and the hawker centre, so i'm just waiting for that before i do a scrapbook of some sort.

2011-05-25T20:04:00.003+08:00

25052011
WEDNESDAY
20:26
STREET 81
STUDY BREAK.

I'm not perfect
But I keep trying
Cause that's what I said
I would do from the start.
- Perfect by Hedley.

that is one meaningful chorus about not giving up. the same guy wrote Old School, and somehow i readily agree with his lyrics and his thoughts.

this is a study break between maths and cell biology, so it's going to be short.

food blogging!
my cell mates and i had a picnic about a month ago. it was potluck so quite interesting to see what people actually brought for it... i treated my cell mates to ice cream from one of my pay days. ice cream is not expensive (i'm saving up for a lot of things) but i wanted to share my joy and blessing with them. well, i'm late by a month, but why not post anyway! i brought them to the 7-eleven at East Coast park and told them to chose their ice cream. results: paddle pop was actually quite popular! it's kind of the flavour from our childhood; licking your fingers and the ice cream drips on you. some of the photos:

another food discovery was the Yosoko! festive market along Clarke quay on the exact same day. the one stall i really liked was the terriyaki corn! they had awesome range of drinks and super grilling skills. they also got the humour and cheery personality to match their love for the job. some pictures:

that's all i guess. going to continue killing brain cells.

2011-05-25T00:26:00.002+08:00

25052011
THURSDAY
00:47
STREET 81
SCIENCE AND FAITH.

You won’t find faith or hope down a telescope
You won’t find heart and soul in the stars
You can break everything, got the chemicals
But you can’t explain a love like ours.
~Science and Faith by The Script

recently heard the song Science and Faith by The Script, and what struck me as interesting is that the song is completely true. there is science, but there are things science cannot explain. we are not a fixed being with a set of equations for how things turn out; we are unique and operate on so many levels it is impossible to limit us. since we cannot explain with our limited wisdom what we experience, we call that faith.

faith, then, is simply a belief of things you cannot understand. like your parent's love. you KNOW they love you because of what they do, say or show. but there is almost no concrete reason or theory why they tolerate/care/give in to us - the only being they LOVE us. thus we can say we have faith in our parent's love for us.

the same simple faith is demonstrated through religion. there is not scientific reason why Jesus could have raised from the dead, or heal the sick with touched, but all those happened because there was faith, no matter how small.

Jesus turned and saw her. “Take heart, daughter,” he said, “your faith has healed you.” And the woman was healed at that moment.
Matthew 9:22 (NIV)

there simply is no what, it is just IS. you just have to trust what your gut feelings tell you and hang on.

another topic. Dragon boating has started for one month, and i really have found myself enjoying trainings and getting stronger. I've switched to right rowing and my right arm is getting better with each rowing. first race is July first week during Singapore Water Festival, this will probably make one of the best dumpling festivals ever, when i can finally immerse myself into this one cool sport from history. and eat my own dumplings at the same time. now Dragon boating just got a whole lot cooler.

sorry for this one long post, i have amassed a huge vault of unedited pictures to upload, so I'm gonna get on with it and leave you with this teaser.

2011-05-14T16:44:00.002+08:00

14052011
SATURDAY
16:46
STREET 81
BALANCE.
P.S. I'm really happy today. just sayin' :D

So i had my second rowing today, and i switched sides. conclusion: i can now row on both sides equally good, though now my right may be better. over time i'll get more used to my side, but nothing's really concrete yet. oh and we have a new team member, so we have a whole boat now! i'm in front with Min, so we're the PACERS. (i've made it sound more awesome than it actually is.)

we're having a cell potluck picnic tmr too, so i've got two days under the sun. i'm not burned yet, and SPF 50 won't let me down i guess. until then , since i've finished my homework, i'll go borrow another season of BONES and watch or maybe just do more cell biology notes.

either way, have a goo day ahead, and cheers!

2011-05-12T02:02:00.000+08:00

12052011
THURSDAY
02:11
STREET 81
GRIND.

phew, okay, i'm gonna write a proper post here.

i apologise for the really brief and skimpy posts, really rushing for time all week now. that's what school does to you - you lose your freedom and personal life (well, not all of it).

i have't been able to do as many shoots/gigs cause i set saturdays for my family and sundays for church, so it really doesn't leave much time to snap anything. i still feel happy when i hold my camera, but what's coming out is just not as good or original anymore. at least this sunday we're going to the beach, so i can take pretty my whole week's quota in one day. i think i'm suffering from withdrawal symptoms too.

been digging Asher Roth lately, his music is not the best, but brings back memories. happy ones like having fun with my friends, and when i seriously had more time to do this i liked. another one i like is Double Vision by 3 OH! 3, even though it was really last year, but i like the music video. yes i'm retarded that i just saw the video three seconds ago even though it was out for a year already.

one good thing to share is that my sketching skills have come back already, some good scans and commission work done, really happy. did one on Machinarium the drawings look so much like Aurora. by the way, i'm still waiting for the second one...

no matter, i've got enough things to occupy me till then. ;)

oh and the FOOD! this is from EIGHTEEN CHEFS. they are fascinating, from the ordering right to the food itself is amazing. this is double beef! i brought a lot of my friends to eat it and they loe it too. the lemon tea is a must, and it's served in mug jars, so that brings a whole new experience to eating baked rice or pasta. for all the muggers out there, there's a hand student's price available all days of the week, so go there NOW!

2011-05-10T12:42:00.002+08:00

10052011
TUESDAY
12:44
SOUTH CANTEEN
HMD! (BELATED)

this is really belated post, cause i was really busy during the week.

so, really sorry, i'm making it up during my lunch time. for that, i bless the school internet for holding up the connection this time.

made tiramisu for the entire week for po and mom's desserts, cause i wanted to do something really different this year instead of a random gift i usually give them.

2011-05-03T15:08:00.002+08:00

03052011
TUESDAY
15:11
NYP LIBRARY
FATES.

The ancient civilisations believed in the fates - immortal beings that controlled their lives and happenings. they believed these beings had both good and bad personalities, so a bad day would mean the fates were playing with you.

now, we believe in a totally different thing. we believe in fate, a predestined, preordained life that you have to accept and take into stride. personally, i believe a different thing. i believe my God has stayed the same since the ancients, and it this very same God who will continue to keep and protect me, no matter what.

you know all these things i write here, i'm not asking you to become another me, or am i searching for attention. i just want to share that little drop of sunshine and hope i feel in my life.

okay, next topic. owl city is heading to South Asia to end his world tour, and this time Singapore is not in. but I'm praying and pulling LOTS of strings to try and get a photo or VIP pass. this might just be my big break. but if it doesn't happen, i can always do this the old-fashioned way - hard work.

oh, and #nowplaying - Somewhere in Brooklyn by Bruno Mars sweet song like the man that can't be moved, but with that pop and cheerier touch.

2011-05-01T15:56:00.003+08:00

01052011
SUNDAY
15:58
STREET 81
ALL ABOUT YOU.

Happy Labor Day people! :D

#nowplaying - Not Your Birthday, by All Star Weekend. awesome song for all the may babies that may or may not enjoy their birthday, but hey, just party!

First food post for the competition.

well, today is the celebration for my Grandma's birthday, so i decided to feature a special dessert that's simple but refreshing for the whole family.
* DRUM ROLL* CANNED LONGANS AND ICE CREAM SODA!!!
see? i told you it's simple. even you can make it. just grab two cans of Hosen brand canned longans (a tropical fruit also loosely translated as Dragon's Eyes), a litre of F&N brand Ice cream soda or any carbonated drink, and lastly about a tray of ice. combine everything but leave out one can syrup from the longans and stir well.

and there you have it.

i have been eating/drinking this dessert for as long as i can remember. especially on family events because it is so easy to prepare and serve that everybody can just grab a bowl and chat over it.

2011-04-29T02:15:00.002+08:00

29042011
FRIDAY
02:20
STREET 81
MEE.

just joined a foodie blog event, so from now on i have to blog more than 50 food items each month. so from now on, i'll have alot of mini posts with food pictures. maybe i'll do a little experimental cooking, or i'll just hunt places down. we'll see.

this week has been pretty decent, not huge on the disaster scale, but still eventful much.

2011-04-28T01:26:00.003+08:00

28042011
THURSDAY
01:27
STREET 81
TATTOOS.

i remember a guy who had them all over his body. he said that when he got them at age 18 it was cool, but when he hit age 40, it became his worst enemy. naturally, people avoided a middle-aged man in tattoos, and he got weird stares every where he went. what started out as his prize turned out to be his obstacle.

there are certain things in life we want to keep constant, like family harmony and best friends. we want them to be like tattoos on our body, permanent and unchanging.

but there are much more things in our lives we do at the whim of youth or in folly. we think nothing of them or even flaunt them like battle scars. but like tattoos, this society will never get used to them, and they will turn back against us in due time. they're like brand names: gang member, criminal, good-for-nothing loser. people pay attention to them instead of looking at the person you are underneath, and believe me it hurts when people stereotype.

something like a butterfly flapping it's in Africa can cause a hurricane in America. only you don't know when.

2011-04-22T22:41:00.002+08:00

23042011
SATURDAY
STREET 81
23:00
LOOK LIKE YOU FEEL.

baby blue nails now, and new hair on sunday.

Ubin is tomorrow, and with such awesome classmates, i cannot - repeat, cannot - wait. Biking, lunch, just having a great time is the best holiday ever.

Thanksgiving: TGIGF today was such a success beyond human proportions. thus, only God can receive such glory. Praise Him!

#nowplaying - talking to the moon by Bruno Mars. that guy is such an inspiration to my songs, stories, and pictures. i am constantly finding new things i like about his songs when i put them on repeat. like little nuances of the drum beats and the deliberate pause or two. his Lazy Song is a pioneer to itself, oe of the first songs advertising the slobs we all are, once in a while.

another talent is Travis McCoy, or Travie to his fans. i'm just a watcher, but he is impressive, most of the time. now cut some slack on that auto-tune.

2011-04-21T22:43:00.003+08:00

21042011
THURSDAY
23:01
STREET 81
WEEKEND~ (a BLACK reference.)

i forgot something in my last post.

WELCOME SHROOMZ!

yeah, i haven't invited my class mates here. oh and if you have a blog/ wordpress/ any online thing, feel free to tag me to link! :D

as you guys know i'm a photographer too, amongst other things, so PLEASE support this page by viewing my pics. some are available for download, and i'll constantly upload. i'll not use anybody's face in a commercial picture, so relaxxx lah. click here
to view. thanks for all support.

oh and feel free to click that BIG button for the Blog friends of singapore, they are cool too.

that's about it, if you found me abit vague about anything, it's about a re-intro to my blog. thanks.

2011-04-18T01:04:00.002+08:00

18042011
MONDAY
15:55
NYP
SERIOUS.

you know you're getting old when you think about your life in the middle of the night.

School's over for today, and it was really different/interesting. it's also good to know i haven't forgotten everything yet.

going to open cell at six, can't wait to meet all the Christians on fire for God too.

oh, and i had one of the best talks with my grandfather ever. ever since i became fluent in hokkien, i've been able to talk at least for half an hour with my grandma. but never my grandfather. he's a man of few words, but today he talked to me for one hour on the importance of saving.

i know you're like, sheesh, of all things! but this is the longest time he has ever talked to me, and like a working adult, so i'm not complaining :)

getting pictures of the school around 5.30 (sunset) so i'll have awesome things to show you guys later :D

2011-04-08T00:34:00.004+08:00

08042011
FRIDAY
00:18
STREET 81
GRATEFULNESS.

some times we forget to be grateful for the things we have. it may be certain talents, the safety and security of our home, or simply our family. we have to remember whatever we have is a blessing from God and we shouldn't take things for granted.

one of the things i need to be grateful for is my fluency in Chinese. it doesn't come as easily to my friends. we went to a chinese prayer meet today, and i found it much easier than them to pray and worship in Chinese. although i might think this skill of mine is a white elephant, but i realize it has shown its usefulness through many different situations. or my fluency in the Hokkien dialect too. it has been useful in my ticketing job, i'm pretty sure it will gain me some "trust points" among Singaporeans.

the second thing i need to be grateful for is my family. it might not be as "wholesome" as i would have liked, but hey, family is family. i wouldn't be so independent and out-going is my family weren't this way. in a lot of ways, they have help shaped and mold me into the girl i am, and i need to be grateful.

2011-03-30T00:39:00.007+08:00

30032011
WEDNESDAY
00:50
STREET 81
GESUNDHEIT.

this post is to health.

this year i have had the misfortune to visit a few funerals, and one thing i have brought from all these is that the fragility of life has never meant more. in fact, i just left one this very night.

sometimes as humans we tend to take our health fr granted. we expect our bodies to recover the bouts of common cold, or the little scrapes and bruises we put it through. we sprain an ankle and then grumble for a while.

but do we actually stop to think about what we have that money cannot buy? there are people out there that may never be able to heal from a blister, or that a scrape causes them to amputate their leg. oh i can hear you go: sure, shit happens, but it'll never happen to me!

well, almost all cancer patients say that. and every person who's gotten a disease. our mind is programmed to a "superman" attitude, one which states it won't happen to me until it happens. by then, it's too late.

so this post is a timely and important reminder to cherish your health.

another reason for this post is that this week, health is being the main concern in Asian countries as the nuclear crisis in Japan, everyone is worried about radiation sickness and cancer. food bans and radiation screening is everywhere now.

i guess seeing the fragility of our own health too can make us a tad paraniod. or maybe just over-cautious.

third reason? i'm sic and i'm just plain tired by it. i mean, i rarely fall sick, like once a year, but this year i've been really fragile. like i keep getting the flu and lots of headaches. it drains your focus, and that sucks when you work, cause it trips me up when i make mistakes.

that said, i guess i should get whatever sleep i can still catch with this flu.

2011-03-26T00:21:00.004+08:00

27032011
SATURDAY
STREET 81
00:32
BUSY IS GOOD.

it feels good to be able to post almost everyday for the past week. it's refreshing to be able to let my thoughts and feelings out in a place that belongs entirely to me.

random thought: i we didn't know what it was like to be sad, how do we learn how to value happiness?

quite true that one. we always need contrasts in life to let us appreciate normality. i mean we have to have darkness to get light, have black to love white, and have noise to dwell in precious silence.

imagine if you never knew what was wrong. how then would you know what was right? then again, this is not an excuse to DO wrong, knowledge and actions are very different things in this world.

i have exactly 25.5 hrs left in that ferry terminal, and i tell you i will enjoy seeing time tick away in that place. i haven't told my colleagues yet (feeling quite smug about this actually), and i only plan to 5 minutes before i leave that place for good. unless they find out somehow before that 5 minutes and give me hell.

i guess i should really be nice to them before i leave, like give everyone there a little gift. hmm, maybe i could give them muffins or something. i don't know, and i guess it depends on whether i go broke before then.

all i can say is, i definitely will be enjoying them being in the dark. but i guess i will stay around till the evening to take the sky in Changi area before leaving that place. time for another hike, this time in the other direction. and i'll remember the water bottle and money.

oh another update: new pictures up on my Deviant account, click here to see all of them in there rainbow goodness. and maybe leave me a comment of two. thanks.

2011-03-24T18:23:00.002+08:00

24032011
THURSDAY
18:25
STREET 81
AFTERNOON WALKS.

i haven't gone for one in a long time.

it's not because I'm lazy. you could say it's the weather in Singapore, but that's not really the reason.

i think it's because I've "grown up", started work or just let life take over.

i remember one line from a conversation with the cellies as we were walking parkway last Sunday. don't know what we were talking about, maybe about my "crazy habits". what i really remember was my reply:

"I don't do any of those crazy things anymore. I've stopped waking up at four, or staying up late."

thinking back about my reply, i guess it made me kind of sad, that i hardly ever got to see the sunrise anymore, and i miss badly alot of things i used to do.

cycling for instance. i never cycle anymore, since last December. i used to do it early last year, doing rounds at Bedok Reservoir, even to Pasir Ris to prawn and back. i took Yong on all those trips, and i really loved seeing my own design on that bike. people used to star as i rode around because of the shabby spray-paint job, but it screamed me and i really didn't care. it was personal advertising and a great workout on two wheels, and i really wonder why i never cycle anymore. maybe i should start again.

or another would be to go on a random walk to somewhere for the afternoon (as i started this post with). while planning for a trip to Arab street, i realized that the Malay Heritage Center is closed till June next year. i still haven't done that photo shoot of Changi Beach.

it's like the more mundane things of life got in the way of really living. i know things like paying the bills/loans/anything you owe, or school stuff is really important. i know I'm a student and thus my priorities are studying, being a good daughter and a good friend. but sometimes i feel that normal life gets in the way of bigger things, or my hobbies. i mean, don;t you feel suffocated sometimes, by all the studying or work. it's like it never ends.

well, i guess that i just have to plan and wait out till all these things are finally settled. I've got my priorities straight, it just time to finish them.

2011-03-23T09:29:00.006+08:00

23032011
WEDNESDAY
10:17
STREET 81
STARDUST.

okay, this is important post on reflections.

I want to thank everybody for the comments, page views and encouragement for the mySingapore.sg bloggers competition. sadly, i didn't win. but it made me realize that i kinda like it that way.

i'm not a professional blogger, i guess i can say i'm rambling most of the time, but i'd like to keep this blog just for fun. it's been fun feeling the thrill of the competition, and i'd say it was all worth it. to those who won, congrats! :D have fun with you iPad or in Shanghai! it was really awesome meeting all of you :)

i'm resigning from my ticketing job, last day of work 31 March 2011, i haven't told my colleagues. i have to say this job has led me to realize a few important things about life:

1. There certain things in life that you HAVE to do, not you WANT to do. it by doing these things you learn to grow up.

2. there people who will say or do things to you that you don't understand. leave them be, and don't do what they do.

3. don't be afraid to be direct to your boss. he needs to get what you're saying sometimes.

4. Have fun with what you're doing. if you don't feel happy, pray and try to look for the good side.

i guess that's about it. planning to go Kampong Glam, Arab Street and Masjid Sultan. worked out the route, just need to go scope out the area with someone who's familiar with the area.
near Bugis too, so maybe i can go take the nightlife, the crowds, anything to click the camera. :D

2011-03-13T22:35:00.008+08:00

13032011
SUNDAY
22:36
STREET 81
A-SOME.
mySingapore.sg blog entry

This trip was really one of those memory lane events.

Going to the Singapore Discovery Center kick started the kid in me. sure, i was there like, 8 years ago, but hey, who said teens can't have childlike fun too?

CAPTIVATING.

but this time, i paid more attention. then i started noticing things like hey, isn't that so Singaporean? i mean, i do that!" especially when the Merlion started to sing, i didn't just find it funny, i found that i could actually agree (and sympathize with) what he was rambling about.

LISTENING TO THE MERLION!

there were also some very interesting things i realized we Singaporeans took for granted.

like SINGLISH LAH. i mean, unless you had a stint in Singapore for some time, you wouldn't have smiled at the "LAH"! it's practically our national language! everything sounds more shiok with a smattering of Malay, Hokkien, and Chinese.

SINGLISH CRASH COURSE!

and there was Mr Brown's Kopitalk. i mean, all of us were awestruck at this guy's ability to present something so original, but still allows you to personally experience a essential place in Singapore, the kopitiam. man, if you haven't been to at least one of those, i don't know where you were. it's even in the "100 things to do before you die" book.

Then there's something everyone loves: a 4D ride! in our opinions, it was too short! (haha :D ) but it was a windy, exhilarating and exciting futuristic ride. too that with an engaging, mind-blowing 3D movie Tahiti - Monster Waves on the Center's big screen made my day. the water felt right up to your glasses, and boy did it made you itch to try surfing or diving like the pros.

MIND-BLOWN.

one of the most memorable parts was the shooting range! it was a highlight of our tour there too, and it felt real with the recoil and the competition. my aim really sucked with the pistol, but damn i love the SA shotgun now. by the way, you do know the SA is made in Singapore? too cool. few people in Singapore will ever get to handle a gun outside NS (unless you're in security and law enforcement), so every chance makes you feel professional.

SHARP SHOOTERS WELCOME.

FELT LIKE A PRO!

we ended the eventful trip with cheesy, steaming pizza, tasty BBQ chicken wings and lots of laughter. really appropriate for a bunch of hungry Singaporeans! all in all, i really admire the brains behind the Center, and even more the faces of the center, the guides and staff! they really made the experience personal and fulfilling, especially my guide Ariel. her easy smile and humor made the trip through the center really engaging. being in the service industry now, i know that it is not easy to deal spot-on with people and constantly hold their attention.

CHEESY GOODNESS ON SOFT CRUST~

BBQ taste buds therapy~

before i end this post, i really want to thank mySingapore.sg for the sponsored trip. you guys really made my day when you called, cause it was my birthday! check them out if you haven't heard of them by clicking the BLOG FRIEND BUTTON in the side bar. ^^

2011-03-09T00:47:00.005+08:00

09032011
WEDNESDAY
00:51
STREET 81
WHITE.

I'll talk about a few things today.

If I Die Young (The Band Perry) - Sam Tsui Cover

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a, bed of roses
Sink me in the river, at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother
She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh and
Life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
Ain't even grey, but she buries her baby
The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had, just enough time

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a, bed of roses
Sink me in the river, at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song
The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had, just enough time

And I'll be wearing white, when I come into your kingdom
I'm as green as the ring on my little, cold finger, I've
Never known the lovin' of a man
But it sure felt nice when he was holding my hand, there's a
Boy here in town who says he'll love me forever,
Who would have thought forever could be severed by
The sharp knife of a short life, well,
I've had, just enough time

A penny for my thoughts, oh no, I'll sell them for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I'm a goner
And maybe then you'll hear the words I been singin'
Funny when you're dead how people start listenin'

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a, bed of roses
Sink me in the river, at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song
Uh oh (uh, oh)
The ballad of a dove (uh, oh)
Go with peace and love
Gather up your tears, keep 'em in your pocket
Save them for a time when you're really gonna need them, oh
So put on your best boys and I'll wear my pearls

Death is actually a closed topic to most people. but of course. this regards our own morality, that it's no wonder most of us shun it.

but as i read 1 Corinthians 11, there was a part about the Lord Supper. it's a familiar paragraph, we have often heard the anchoring pastor recite this before the Supper. But one verse struck me different this time.
For whenever you eat this bread or drink this cup, you proclaim the Lord's death until He comes.
1 Corinthians 11:26
Doesn't it struck you as provoking, that the very basis of our faith is the Death of the Messiah, no less. Since as Christians we proclaim His death, then i see no reason the fear death at all.

that said, this song doesn't sound as bleak as the first time. it's like some sort of last words, to actually comfort those left behind. but something about this very song struck me as different. i mean, there are a lot of songs out there talking about death, but in a way these lyrics have some sort of defiance towards the normality of death that attract me. it's the frankness and seriousness which the writer has placed into thinking and composing this song that caught me.

whatever it is, i resolve this to be the first song i learn on guitar. once i learn the guitar.

oh, talking about the guitar, at least i'm remembering a few of the chords (i know i sound really noob and pathetic) but i know nuts about strumming an entire song so i need help. anyone.

this time last year can be found in the post labels, check it out, it's a far cry from where i am now. if you had asked me last year where would i be in this same date, i would have told you school or something. but i guess it's safe to say i've changed, for the better at least.

I feel most Singaporean when...

2011-02-26T01:12:00.004+08:00

26022011
SATURDAY
01:15
STREET 81
I FEEL MOST SINGAPOREAN WHEN...
mySingapore.com blog entry

this is a pretty tough question. granted, there are many "right" answers, but i guess something i really feel for every time i think of Singapore would be better.

so, i feel most Singaporean when I'm walking the streets of my country. not just at night, all the time.

feeling Singaporean means different things for me.

When i walk the familiar streets of Tampines i grew up in, i get the homely feeling. it's like that safe cocoon of warmth that follows you as you weave your way through friendly neighbors, stopping ever so often to crack a joke or share in some good news. they're almost like second family. you know all the best place it feels like my own backyard in this place (because it kinda is), and these people i grew up with make me feel right at home. in today's fast-paced society, it's hard to lay roots down, or find that sense of belonging. but i found it here, in Singapore. and that's the most Singaporean part of me.

but when i step outside of my familiar area, into the city, into the west side of Singapore, i don't get worried either. the feeling then isn't fear, but one of adventure. it's like i'm flowing along with to the heartbeat of th city itself. even if i do get lost (come on, it happens to everyone!) there are friendly shopkeepers, bus drivers or fellow countrymen on the street to ask for directions. and Thank God Singapore's not big, so the other side of the island is really not as far from home as it seems. you can go wherever you want with pretty much peace of mind.

It might feel like a small thing to feel safe in one's own country, but when i went to Malaysia or Indonesia, the feeling on the streets is really different. you feel like you have to be on your guard all the time (it's tiring to do that, ya know) or out of place.

In Singapore, it's different. you can see it in the people, and you can feel it too. you know the saying that a place follows the feelings of it's people? well, i can say we're a bunch of of safe, busy and homely people.

and that's what i feel when i say i'm Singaporean.

2011-02-22T01:16:00.003+08:00

22022011
TUESDAY
01:25
STREET 81
DESPERATE FOR THE RIGHT THINGS.

this week is the third week of the devotional smses our cell group has been sending around, and i just got a verse during my own quiet time.

But now, by dying to what once bound us, we have been released from the law so that we serve in the new way of the Spirit, and not in the old way of the written code.
- Romans 7:6

The law here being those written and unwritten by human minds, but as Christians we are held by the Ten Commandments and the Bible. our law is of heaven, because our kingdom is not of this world. In fact, as princes and princesses of this kingdom, we get to talk to our King everyday, all the time, and His word too is the law.

Leviticus 18:4 says "You must obey my laws and be careful to follow my decrees. I am the LORD your God." therefore as His sons and daughters, we must make an effort to practice what He teaches us daily. not easy, but we have His strength.

2011-02-16T18:57:00.003+08:00

16022011
WEDNESDAY
STREET 81
19:04
TIME TO REFLECT.

just watched Panic! at the Disco's Ballad of Mona Lisa,their new album sounds amazing. they had hit singles before,but somehow this seems more of a show than a hit single.

the second verse caught my eye and got stuck in my head

He senses something
call it desperation
another dollar, another day
and if she had the proper words to say
she would tell him
but she had nothing left to sell him

kind of reminds me of my situation right now, just one day at a time.

this is my last day of the week working in the morning, so I'm glad to say that I've survived. the next threshold would be a full day. let's just that's beyond me for now.

but at least I'll get Saturday and Sunday to click away on my camera, and life is still pretty much about that. i went to print my pictures yesterday night, and i got Ikea frames for them. the more i looked at them,the more i liked my pictures in them. sure, I'm broke and i can't afford anything more than cheap 4R frames, but it made me believe that one day, my pictures will be in a spread of the National Geographic magazine, i will have an impressive portfolio, i will publish my own photography book, and i will be able to see my pictures on entire buildings.

right now, every picture i take brings me closer to that.

2011-02-13T20:22:00.002+08:00

13022011
SUNDAY
20:24
STREET 81
ONE OF US.

today marks two years, that i've been free.

well, tomorrow's Valentine's Day, so here's to all my friends that have made a big difference in my life, good or bad. here's Who Knew by P!nk

You took my hand
You showed me how
You promised me you'd be around
ah huh that's right

I took your words
And I believed
In everything you said to me
yeah huh that's right

CHORUS 1
If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong
I know better
Cause you said forever
And ever
Who knew

Remember when we were such fools
And so convinced and just too cool
oh no no no

I wish I could touch you again
I wish I could still call you a friend
I'd give anything

CHORUS 2
When someone said count your blessings now
'Fore they're long gone
I guess I just didn't know how
I was all wrong
But they knew better
Still you said forever
And ever
Who Knew

Yeah yeah

I'll keep you locked in my head
Until we meet again
Until we until we meet again
And I won't forget you my friend
What happened

CHORUS 3
If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong and
That last kiss I'll cherish
Until we meet again
And time makes it harder
I wish I could remember
But I keep your memory
You visit me in my sleep
My darlin' who knew

My darlin' my darlin' who knew
My darlin' I miss you
My darlin' who knew

Who knew

i've been getting really tired with my life lately, waking up early or coming home late, that i was really relieved and excited to head down to chingay 2011.it felt good to hold the camera again. it's a familiar,comfortable feeling, being in front of so many people and sharing my pictures with the world.

i'll never get used to feeling like a little kid with his first soccer ball or kite, or like i won a lottery. every time i hold my camera i still get that over-the-rainbow-with-butterflies thing in my stomach.

i know i'll never fall out of love with photography.

check out my chingay pictures on my facebook!

2011-02-05T00:56:00.002+08:00

05022011
SATURDAY
00:57
STREET 81
IRREGARDLESS.

a friend of mine got me thinking today, what exactly does home mean to me?

for home is where you know can you always go back to, irregardless of what you've done or how long you left. it is your place of refuge, your shelter of hope, your guiding light in need.

this is why, why we are born again, our home is not of this world, but of heaven where God is,because He becomes our definition of home.

this CNY has been a worrying and busy one. working during this period of time has taught me valuable lessons will not be able to learn anywhere else. it has also taught me to cherish the time i have with my family. however, CNY is also worrying because of the flooding and cyclone in Australia; so far i haven't received a reply from HK yet.

but tomorrow i'm visiting pastor's and adel's house, hope that i can finally unwind.

2011-01-31T12:07:00.003+08:00

31012011
MONDAY
12:34
STREET 81
MISS MISSING YOU.

now i know what it feels like to see rain everyday, every time i look out of the window. but at least it hasn't risen to a metre or two.

but it may, going at this rate.

in a fix on whether i should turn up for the company BBQ in this forsaken weather, but if i do, i'm guessing i'll just have to leave early. oh and my shift got cancelled, too little people i guess.

this week has given me many lessons. i feel like i've gone through my own personal encounter, but lost a few years off my life. not that i want to; i already feel like i'm too old already.

started writing for fun again, and i feel rusty since all my ideas seem cliché. but i guess with a little bit of practice, i'll get it all back.

another snack till i get back:

Do not think that you are useless,
because God created you to worship Him.

do not think that you are nothing,
because God created you to dwell with Him.

do not think that you are flawed,
because God created you to be whole in Him.

do not think you are weak,
you are braver than you think,
because God created you to fight battles with Him.

if you should ever doubt any of these things about yourself,
then remember,

God of the heavens,
God of the rain,
God of the oceans,
God of the sun and the moon,
God of love, peace and joy,

that very same God is God over you.

You will find all your answers in Him.

oh and one more thing before i go, the new song is Aerosmith - I Don't Want to Miss a Thing. have a nice Monday people.

I could stay awake just to hear you breathing
Watch you smile while you are sleeping
Far away and dreaming
I could spend my life in this sweet surrender
I could stay lost in this moment forever
Well, every moment spent with you
Is a moment I treasure

I don't wanna close my eyes
I don't wanna fall asleep
'Cause I'd miss you, babe
And I don't wanna miss a thing
'Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you, babe
And I don't wanna miss a thing

Lying close to you
Feeling your heart beating
And I'm wondering what you're dreaming
Wondering if it's me you're seeing
Then I kiss your eyes and thank God we're together
And I just wanna stay with you
In this moment forever, forever and ever

I don't wanna miss one smile
I don't wanna miss one kiss
Well, I just wanna be with you
Right here with you, just like this
I just wanna hold you close
Feel your heart so close to mine
And stay here in this moment
For all the rest of time

2011-01-29T01:13:00.000+08:00

we are not the gods.
we cannot predict what will happen.

we are not the gods.
we are more vulnerable and helpless than we realise.

we are not the gods.
we do not have all the answers.

we are not the gods.

i am not a god.
i am useless and weak; prone to anger, sadness and pain;
i am but a broken body with a mind of sorts.

but i know a God.
He know what will happen, and plans for our good.

i know a God.
He is omnipotent and omnipresent.

i know a God.
He has the answers i am waiting for.

i know my God, in my time of need will help me like He helps David.
He will listen to my laments and keep me safe.

i know my God, in my time of struggle will reassure me like He told Gideon.
He will show me signs and wonders; and settle my heart.

i know my God, in my time of anguish will give me joy like He gave Mary.
He will tell me wonderful news, and a beautiful ending.

My God is able, He is just, He is love, and He is wonderful.

He will carry us all.

2011-01-25T19:04:00.004+08:00

25012011
WEDNESDAY
19:05
STREET 81
WE'LL BE ALRIGHT.

We are young, we run free
Stay up late, we don’t sleep
Got our friends, got the night
We’ll be alright

Tonight you won’t be by your self-self
Just leave your problems on the shelf-shelf
You won’t wanna be nowhere else-else
So let’s go, so let’s go (we got the club like)

(hoo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo) and all the girls sayin’
(hoo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo) the whole world sayin’
(hoo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo) yeah, yeah, come on let’s
Get drunk, toast it up, we don’t give a fu—

We are young, we run free
Stay up late, we don’t sleep
Got our friends, got the night
We’ll be alright

Throw our hands in the air
Pretty girls everywhere
Got our friends, got the night
We’ll be alright

(hoo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo) alright, alright, alright
(hoo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo) ah, ah, ah, ah
(hoo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo) alright, alright, alright
(hoo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo) ah, ah, ah, ah

We walk the streets like we don’t care-care
Our middle fingers in the air-air
So come and join us if you dare-dare
Yeah let’s go, yeah let’s go (we got the club like)

(hoo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo) and all the girls sayin’
(hoo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo) the whole world sayin’
(hoo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo) yeah, yeah, come on let’s
Get drunk, toast it up, we don’t give a fu—

We are young, we run free
Stay up late, we don’t sleep
Got our friends, got the night
We’ll be alright

Throw our hands in the air
Pretty girls everywhere
Got our friends, got the night
We’ll be alright

It feels like, ahh-ah-ah-ah-ah
(It feels good, don’t it?) ahh-ah-ah-ah-ah
(yo, yo, yeah, d-don’t it?) yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
(yeah) We’ll be alright (ahh!)

It feels like, ahh-ah-ah-ah-ah
(It feels good, don’t it?) ahh-ah-ah-ah-ah
(yo, yo, yeah, d-don’t it?) yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
(yeah) We’ll be alright (uh-huh, ha-ha)

We are young, we run free
Stay up late, we don’t sleep
Got our friends, got the night
We’ll be alright

Throw our hands in the air
(ahh-ah-ah-ah-ah)
Pretty girls everywhere
(ahh-ah-ah-ah-ah)
Got our friends, got the night
(yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah)
We’ll be alright

yeahhhh. nice song, once again, excuse the language. it's just something to apologise for two emo posts, but my friends, i am alright too.

EVERYBODY! my photos from my little "nature walk" is up, and here it is, my awesomes.Deviant art.
my chinatown pictures up also: facebook's okay, right?
:)

hmm, week two at work, and the posting results for 2010 Sec 4 is 26 Jan 8am. don't feel nervous, if you really are, just listen to music (like click play on my playlist!) or do whatever you do to unwind. remember, you'll make it! you'll BE ALRIGHT! :D if i feel really stressed i just pray, usually works. or i take photos. suit yourself.

just remember, God makes no mistakes, it'll be okay in the end.

hmm new song thinking in progress, should be about o-levels or something. haha i know i'm kinda late for that.

but just check it out, the first verse and chorus to I miss everything about you - Carrie Underwood. this one is called {Carried}

*first try at changing lyrics, God bless this song.*

I was so stressed out
I couldn't sleep at night
I start to lose my way

Like there's no sunrise
my confidence was gone
this can't be happening

But then i cried out
"Lord I'm desperate;
Lord, i really need you;
come and rescue me!"

And now,
I know that i have been set free
thank you Lord for carrying me through
And after all the things I've been through
I will trust everything to you
Only you*

try it out, listen to Carrie's song and tell me if it fits :)

2011-01-23T21:38:00.003+08:00

23012011
SUNDAY
21:48
STREET 81
FEELS TOO REAL TO BE AWAKE.

been feeling P!nk's songs lately, i don't know why.

just emotional i guess.

made a wrong turn.. once or twice
dug my way out, blood and fire
bad decisions thats alright
welcome to my silly life

miss treated
miss-placed misundastood
miss knowing its all good
it didnt slow me down
miss taken
always hackin' guessing
under estimated
look im still around

pretty pretty please
dont you ever ever feel
like your less than
fucking Perfect
pretty pretty please
if you ever ever feel like your nothing
your fucking perfect to me...

your so mean (your so mean), when you talk about
yourself
you were wrong
change the voices in your head
make them like you instead
so complicated, look how we're makin'
filled with so much hatered, such a tired game
it's enough ive done all i can think of
chased out all my demons, ive seen you do the same

pretty pretty please
dont you ever ever feel
like your less than
fucking perfect
pretty pretty please
if you ever ever feel like your nothing
your fucking perfect to me...

the whole worlds scared so i swollow the fear
the only thing i shoul dbe drinkin' is an ice cold beer
so cool, in line and we try try try
but we try to hard, its a waste of my time
done looking for the critics 'cuz they're everywhere
they don't like my jeans they don't get my hair
change ourselves yeah we do it all the time, why do we
do that' why do i do that' (why do i do that')

pretty pretty please
dont you ever ever feel
like your less than
fucking perfect
pretty pretty please
if you ever ever feel like your nothing
your fucking perfect to me...

your perfect your perfect

pretty pretty please
if you ever ever feel like your nothing
your fucking perfect to me...

excuse the language.

my cellies asked me to put the cell song up again, here it is at least for another week.

now, i really want my own room. four adults in a master bedroom is really getting too small, people are always frustrated at each other. every little thing you do affects 3 people, even flushing the toilet at night can wake up the whole room. i try to keep to myself, but i have limits too, and i'm already there. please, it's been a year. even if i sleep in the living room (which is disallowed) i'll be VERY HAPPY. i'm getting to the desperate stage i guess.

thinking about it, i love camping, encounters and kelong because i have a bed to myself without my family. well, at least a sleeping bag or table.

but nothing can change until my degree. which i will get. definitely overseas. and at least 3 hours flight away, with a exchange rate of 1.25 or something. then i will know what alone is.

2011-01-21T21:23:00.002+08:00

21012011
FRIDAY
21:56
STREET 81
BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR.

"I'm fine here alone now without you"
- Hey Mitchel Musso

i don't know, things aren't going so well this week.

at least I'm honest I'm not too happy.

walked from TMFT to Bedok Reservoir today, after work to take pictures. lesser pictures than a usual cell group, but i felt i had some good ones i just need to crop and adjust.

morning shift does let you learn more, but i realised that people treat you as invisible unless you speak up for yourself.

Saturday's cell outing also cancelled, really looked forward to it. but i guess i can stay for the whole day in Chinatown. this time I'm bringing my computer, two camera cards and my phone charger too. and no, I'm not going to appear in Cantonment. not on my life.

i need to visit the sushi shop before CNY too, to give them the cashew nuts. goodness, this blog is now sounding like my Saturday's "to-do" list.

if what I'm saying is senseless today, forgive me.

2011-01-19T00:16:00.007+08:00

19012011
WEDNESDAY
00:49
STREET 81
PERMANENT REPEATS.

everybody, the Lunar New Year is coming right up. that's good news for a few reasons. if you really must know, these reasons are ranked by importance and significance (to me at least) .

ONE, the photography "season of wits" is here. this is one of the most prominent festivals in Singapore, and one of the most widely celebrated too. two years ago on this very same week, my photography mentor took me to Chinatown and made his class take pictures of anything interesting about the festival. what we came out with surprised even us. thus it successfully knocked into my mind the importance of taking advantage of any procession or wide-spread celebration to make the most of my creativity.

however, that meant i was also "rudely" thrust into the community of more professional photographers; whom boasting wide-angled lens, filters, stands and gel packs (if you know what i mean, you must be one of us); left me feeling so small and poor in this expensive hobby. but i guess that would be a small price to pay for this annual luxury. :)

oh and this time last year:

i really want to get a proper recognition in photography, have decided to enter all the competitions on my own this year. TJS my mentor has OFFICIALLY RETIRED, as he feels he has taught me everything i need to know, and all he can do is sit and watch me play with colour. and the occasional criticism. ha ha. but it will be a whole new level of photography, one on my own feet, independently finding shoot areas, and angles, the models, the way i perceive things. i need to be unique, and stand with my own style to be able to capture my passion for the art. NOT EASY(!!!) will do my bestest to meet ur hopes. :) happy world tour!

TWO, I'm working.

of course it's bad news, i hear you moan. no, it's good. now, i can actually feel, for once, what the people on duty during big festivals feel. it may not be pleasant, but at least i can learn to avoid it next time. ;)

THREE, change has really happened, and i want to be one of the firsts to document it. this time last year:

tried to drag myself early to school, because it's MINYI'S birthday today. so happy birthday~ ya, and i took a cab to school so i can be on time! yeah, i barely made it on time before soon tried to close the gates.like 30
seconds early. so... I'm in school, i sit in class and i somehow made it to end of assembly.

yes, these flashbacks are the exact dates of each event.

that's about what i need to say today, if you're going to Chinatown around 7am (you shouldn't, really!) , and you see a little girls snapping pictures furiously with her semi-DSLR, go up and say hi. perhaps you could be a part of those pictures; you never know.

good night, my friends.

2011-01-16T22:05:00.003+08:00

16012011
SUNDAY
22:10
STREET 81
GREAT WORK IN PROGRESS.

i feel offended.

if you didn't already know, a lot of drafts go into one post, and i screen the whole post, and if i put lyrics, i try and get the song up too. i think about what i post at least a day before, and i use proper, coherent English, proper paragraphing and proper punctuation as much as possible.

so why do people say these things are useless, mindless ramblings? that these things are random crap or something? maybe it shouldn't get to me like this, but somehow... it does.

back to cheerier things. new photos up on Deviant Art
, go check them out, entirely new and fresh.

another piece of juicy news to share, i got press pass as an Official Chingay Photographer, happy me. gonna bring two cameras, one company and one personal. by the way, i'm actually volunteering with Welcome The World, check out their facebook page and website, they're a cool bunch and you can volunteer too. basically it's like any publication, you're treated like real reporters. means you're on par with Straits Times writer and video crew.

last thing, i'm working starting tomorrow, so i may not post as often. but i may, like last year, post notes. that said, watch out for the album, it's going to be ready on my birthday! total of 17 songs, 17 birthday you see.

name of album? well, any suggestions? i was thinking !7 - God be the Glory. but i think it's too cheesy. hmm.

2011-01-13T00:20:00.004+08:00

We move through our time on this earth doing a million and ten things, with a thousand and one goals, and tens of hundreds of to-do lists. But in our minds are bigger thoughts: I want to turn my kids into good people, I want to leave the world a little better than I found it, I want to touch someone’s life. And often - in the cosmic humor that surrounds us – we raise amazing people, make things better, touch people in amazing ways but don’t know, or never see.

the chat with Kristin made me see things in a broader perspective, even if it were on seemingly unattainable to me. i also realized one thing - i am not alone in my despair and poverty. Neither am i alone in my faith and hope.

i will learn to be patient.

On a hill far away stood an old rugged cross,
The emblem of suffering and shame;
And I love that old cross where the dearest and best
For a world of lost sinners was slain.

So I’ll cherish the old rugged cross,
Till my trophies at last I lay down;
I will cling to the old rugged cross,
And exchange it some day for a crown.

O that old rugged cross, so despised by the world,
Has a wondrous attraction for me;
For the dear Lamb of God left His glory above
To bear it to dark Calvary.

In that old rugged cross, stained with blood so divine,
A wondrous beauty I see,
For ’twas on that old cross Jesus suffered and died,
To pardon and sanctify me.

To the old rugged cross I will ever be true;
Its shame and reproach gladly bear;
Then He’ll call me some day to my home far away,
Where His glory forever I’ll share.

dear God,
i know sometimes troubles are there
for us to grow stronger and learn to rely on u
help us to remain strong in our faith like Job
cure us of our unbelief
and help us to grow and prosper in our belief
give us strength
and hope for the problems we may face
no matter how small
thanks for everything you have already given us
and help us to also be grateful.
in Jesus name, amen

dear jesus, i pray tt u will hv lordship over everything in our lives, no matter how small our faith is, will u grow tt faith in our hearts so that our worries will look so small and our confidence in u will burgeon!
in jesus name i pray, AMEN!

GET THIS PICTURE AT deviant art
!

2011-01-09T14:14:00.003+08:00

09012011
SUNDAY
14:19
STREET 81
GRACE IS ENOUGH.

first post of the year, whoopee.

so many things have happened this week. church event, onions gathering, reconnecting with past colleagues and friends.

got a new camera too, so now i have a load of pictures to upload and edit.

learning guitar and what else to play my own songs, really hope to edit and record my songs. doing a couple covers, and i'm going to put them up on iTunes for people to download for free :)

results for "O" levels are released tomorrow, really nervous. but i'm sure it's gonna be fine, the courses i aim for are all within reach.

not much to say, except that i'm gonna be very busy for a long time.

oh, and let's get rich people.

2010-12-22T23:56:00.003+08:00

22122010
WEDNESDAY
00:09
STREET 81
TOAST-GIVING.

this year has been a tough year.

my life has changed completely, it is not even close to what i expected in January.

uploading the photos for cell Christmas party now, looking at them makes me feel real blessed.

that aside, i have been really busy this hols, that i forgot to appreciate or visit my old friends and allies along the way.

there also people i excluded out of my life, by accident of circumstance. i'm really sorry, but i will try my best to find the time to reconnect with you. just hope i remember how to.

i need to say some things before the year ends, because i need to empty me of my thoughts before God can fill me with His. i need to apologise to a few people, need to make amends, need to correct my bad habits.

some things that are said, cannot be unsaid. some, when the time to say them passes, must be kept till death. yet for others, you must watch out for the second time you are given.

you're now listening to my current songs, sung by yours truly. i know it sucks, but i can't bear to let others sing it for me. they're just to precious.

it's for the new year. goodbye everybody, and have fun, laughter, peace, love and joy. cheers.

2010-12-21T19:37:00.003+08:00

21122010
TUESDAY
19:48
STREET 81
OVERSEAS.

overseas calls are really, really expensive. i don't think i'll be able to pay mom back this month.but i guess you can say the call is indeed worth it. Good to know how HK's doing once in a while, say Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, that kind of thing. haha he has homework, i'm organising stuff that has nothing to do with studying.

Narnia - Voyage of the Dawn Treader was good, although only Jason, Joel and i turned up. oh well, you don't need that many people to watch a movie. Pastor William's song is the credit's song! LOL. but it was good, maybe like the first one, incredible message as always. actually comparable to the book too, even if the ending was slightly different.

up to 10 stamps on Beadspin today, that means i spent $100 there! half a month's worth of extra money on my business and gifts alone! blows my mind which of the things i do count as hobbies or life skills, cause i think i got to do away with those that cause me to spend to much. too bad i love photography that much, NOW that's a worthy hobby. :)

speaking of money, i really have to raise much, much more for the mission trip. it's not about whether i can afford it, but it's about helping the kids. i mean, i can save and pay, but that would defeat the purpose, which is to spread the word about these children in need, and let others help them through us.

**HI, IF YOU WANT TO DONATE EITHER MONEY OR THINGS (BAGS, CLOTHES, ANYTHING REALLY...), DROP ME AN EMAIL OR SMS! NO HELP IS TOO SMALL! THIS ENDS 25 DEC (CHRISTMAS) SO HURRY! :D**

hmm the "number status" thing on Facebook is going strong, just thought i'll post my impressions on people here! don't reveal yourself hor!

‎"respects sis. how do u handle so much objections(?) by the class all year long? hope u will have a smoother walk from here on. god bless :)"
"helloooooo (: i think you're a rly helpful and friendly person haha. and i find it amusing that we manage to learn new stuff about you almost every time, like about stuff you've done or places you've been haha (((((((((((:"
okay that's all before i go overboard. but i did quite a few people's and what i say surprises even me.

2010-12-17T18:15:00.003+08:00

17122010
FRIDAY
18:16
STREET 81
PAINFUL LESSONS.

That's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa.
That's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa.
I drowned out all my sense with the sound of its beating.
And that's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa.
- That's What You Get , Paramore

looking back at this year, especially back on my family, i realised i had to lose a lot to gain character and climb to where i am now. it's like looking down at both the height you have just scaled but also cringing at the carnage.

most of the times, when i neglect God, and use my own weak intelligence, it messed up, big time.

but i guess you can smile and say it's all over now.

oh and Merry Christmas :)

2010-12-13T11:28:00.003+08:00

13122010
MONDAY
12:48
STREET 81
WRITTEN IN THE STARS.

just finished a Stephen King book - Desperation - one of his best works. it's an old copy, went for $2 at the flea market, and i couldn't resist. it was going for an insanely low price for something so spectacular, so the book ended up with me. still looking for Sidney Sheldon - When Tomorrow Comes - can't find it anywhere, even in the National library.

just back from camp, super cool and super fun,but also super inspiring. the theme song for the camp was Carrie Underwood "There's a place for us", used in Narnia 3. here's the chorus:

We can be the kings and queens of
anything if we believe.
It’s written in the stars that shine above,
A world where you and I belong,
where faith and love will keep us strong,
Exactly who we are is just enough
Yes there’s a place for us,
there’s a place for us.

it's lyrics are meaningful and motivating, with one of the best messages ever. it talks about believing in yourself that you can be anything you believe you can become, simply because in the Bible, God said he would bless us.

Genesis 26:4-
"I will make your descendants as numerous as the stars in the sky and will give them all these lands, and through your offspring all nations on earth will be blessed."

got to know awesome people at the camp too, MEGACONFUSION! love that game. probably the only one I'm good at, i think, but it was because of the company. having been blessed in the camp, i hope to go on and bless others in the upcoming Christmas Magic and Batam Mission Trip, through my acts of service.

oh, and i finally got a clear call with HK to catch up on his holidays and help him with his science projects. he just changed school again, he has a ton of homework and pretty much all new friends. just hope talking to him will help him know he still has friends here in Singapore that he can reach any time he needs a ear. he's quite interested in church and why i'm so involved in it, i pray he'll be saved this Christmas when he goes to church with his friends for the first time.

**THE BLOGSHOP IS STILL OPEN! PICTURES WILL GO UP ON 15 DEC, WHEN MY NEW CAMERA COMES IN!**

2010-12-08T23:51:00.006+08:00

0122010
WEDNESDAY
23:59
STREET 81
ABOUT TO LEAVE.

i can't please everyone. i can't chase away the nightmares. why?

i feel guilty for neglecting this place. but i'm back people.

**NEWS: I'LL BE STARTING A BLOGSHOP SELLING HANDMADE JEWELLERY.**

WILL TRY ANY IDEA YOU PROPOSE, OR YOU CAN BUY FIXED DESIGNS:
^rings
^necklaces
^ hand phone accessories
^ bracelets
^DIY kits

PREVIEW ALBUM`

CAN SEND BY POST OR HAND-DELIVER (only available in Singapore). EMAIL buggylover@hotmail.com, SUBJECT AS JEWELLERY, WITH THE DESIGN OR REQUEST. THANKS.

post:

life has been very busy lately, getting along surprising well with my classmates that i never thought i would. cell's great, going on a mission trip on 26 Dec too.

but sometimes i get this small nagging feeling of loneliness at night. i don't know, but i do know praying does help a little. it makes you feel less lonely i guess.

i once read somewhere - "those who can't stand to be alone by themselves are pathetic. it's kind of sad to need people all the time." in a way, that's true; you have to be strong by yourself too. you can't always rely on others, because you don't know whether they will forever stand by you. it may not be their fault but by circumstance. the things you hold fast may change relentlessly, your world as you know it may one day fall to pieces in front of your eyes.

but now, i guess needing some one sometimes is nothing to be ashamed of. standing alone by yourself all the time is tiring, and you need someone to cover your blind side while you rest, or just to fight the enemy together. you can't one-on-all all the time, you need teamwork too. you need heartfelt friends, and you'll always have God beside you.

will you stand by me if i ask? is it too late?

2010-11-29T23:55:00.002+08:00

30112010
MONDAY
00:07
STREET 81
PROM NIGHT.

man, tonight is the night.

can't wait, but kind of sad, cause tonight is the last night we are one school batch. ever.

got a "cutesy"(not really) blue dress, new shoes and DIY jewellery.

calling HK in the afternoon for confidence booster, just got a jittery feeling for no reason... and i can't sleep.

oh wells.

QT OF THE WEEK.

hmm, pastor Khong talked about making it count. let your life this week count for God. like that man with white hair, don't do it for recognition or numbers, go it for God and WITH GOD. it's that simple. but not easy. it's taking a hole lot of surrendering and trusting.
but i'm trusting God for Gkids. even as i see my second batch of kids go up and grow, i feel just like the mother hen watching the brood mature before her and leave. sad, but kind of makes you want to repeat everything all over again, all the time.

2010-11-22T22:28:00.004+08:00

22112010
MONDAY
23:54
STREET 81
SLEEPLESS.

#nowplaying : Believe - Britt Nicole

haven't had much time to myself this week, activities packed back to back and all.

unconscious for the past 12 hours, had an awesome sleepover and TP rawks. i had Gkids Sunday morning too, the Christmas songs are just so cute.

praying for a couple of courses at TP, really wishing for Bio-technical Science with Forensics. that'll lead me to an overseas degree (the best route!) or an advance degree at NUS in Singapore. haven't exactly figured out a safety school yet, so i have to pray for that too.

although this week is hectic, night time has become a time set aside for reflection. insomniac like crazy now, but i don't dare to pop Panadol in case of reliance on it. i slept fewer hours than a dolphin from Thursday to Sunday.

some of the things that go through my head are kind of disturbing, like why do i even care about what others even think about me sometimes? "how do i carry my self in front of others? am i inconsiderate at times? what are my actions telling people? am i being christ-like?"
yeah, they make me wonder about me sometimes.

oh yeah, i told Sarah i wrote a song for my cellies! i had it around my stuff for a long time after they sang me mine, but i just got around to recording it. here goes nothing:

*i originally thought of using a song i knew, but i decided that they just didnt fit you. so i wrote my own.*

Verse 1:
there's a bunch of people that i know
they're not the kind of people
to come and go
and they've stuck with me
through every possibility
and i know that
they will always be there
for the good times and the bad

Chorus:
cos when we're a cell group
we stick as one
when we're a church
we are One
and soulmates and sisters
of this big family
there's no where that i rather be
than inside the Body.

nice right? yeah i know. now to just sing and play it. :/

QT of the week: Psalm 101
this is a psalm of King David, written when he was hiding away from Saul in the desert.
he begins by praising God for all His faithfulness and goodness, despite of his current "wanted" status. this reminded me, do we take God's greatness for granted? do we find Him for all our problems and exclude Him from our good times?
He goes on to tell God that he will be as faithful to God as God was to him. verse 7 tells us about our conscious choice of friends. are we mixing with the right crowd?

peace people, and God bless you today :)

2010-11-16T07:39:00.000+08:00

16112010
TUESDAY
08:06
STREET 81
PERFECT ROAD.

Można mieć tylko żyć raz! co zamierzasz zrobić z jednego życia wtedy?

ten świat jest tylko taki mały, ale niemożliwie duży. Mam jeszcze sprawdzić, wystarczy, smak mało, czują się wystarczająco, nie wystarczy. nawet w Singapurze, mój wpływ na moje miejsce urodzenia może być znikomy.

Nie wiem jak wy, ale ja chcę, aby moje życie miało wpływ na przyszłe pokolenia. i nawet urlopu nie mają nic do mojego imienia, chcę zostawić ludzi coś może pracować w przyszłości.

tej drodze, gdzie chcę iść dopiero się zaczęła, i jestem smutny, szczęśliwy, podekscytowany i niepokoju w tym samym czasie. tak wiele chcę zrobić i tak mało czasu.

2010-11-13T22:56:00.004+08:00

131110
SATURDAY
22:58
STREET 81
INANE.

hey all. yes I'm posting again even if I'm supposed to be sleeping! :)

the Batam trip is confirmed! can't wait to use all I've learnt in Gkids with the kids there. plus this will be my FIRST. MISSION TRIP. EVER. super excited, and I'm raising funds for it! this is the place:

Scape Co., Ltd.‎
113 Somerset Road
*scape Youth Centre, SG 238165
6735 4144
scape.com.sg‎

I'm sharing a small stall with my cell, selling pendants that can be fashioned to key chains, phone accessories, necklaces and other funky earrings! pictures are going to be on facebook and here, watch for it! PLEASE SUPPORT CAUSE IT MEANS ALOT TO US.

had teens xcite today, really hoping for a camera. maybe that's an idol cause i'm really saving up for that thing. sheesh. but i commit all my savings to God and here's to it multiplying through hard work!

pretty much everything, must do something about my picture quality form my phone though.

QUIET TIME OF THE WEEK:
111110 thursday :D
[Does sin have a speed limit?]

this is a short sermon at the back of the devotion of that day. talks about being the total pure person God wants us to be. it says that "dangerous sins" are built up by smaller, seemingly "harmless sins". like how backsliding is made of skipping a couple of sermons. this convicted me (evident on previous post) that i should be more disciplined in my quiet time. so here i am. God gave me a bible verse: Proverbs 18:9: Slack habits and sloppy work are as bad as vandalism. (The Message). everything we do for the name of our Lord must be from the depths of our heart, true effort and faith, not showmanship. thus it's not man we are answerable to, it's an all-knowing God. thus we don't cheat God. Hebrews 13:16: Make sure you don't take things for granted and go slack in working for the common good; share what you have with others. God takes particular pleasure in acts of worship—a different kind of "sacrifice"—that take place in kitchen and workplace and on the streets. (The Message) we all have talent, or something we're at least good at or enjoy doing. do something with that gift of yours, with the love of God, no strings attached. you'll find that you'll feel more whole helping someone and sharing the joy than hoarding the gifts of heaven alone. try it.

2010-11-12T15:41:00.005+08:00

111110
FRIDAY
15:50
STREET 81
SIX MONTHS.

THIS IS AN ANNOUNCEMENT.

From now on, i will do a quiet time section of my blog posts, cause I'll be posting weekly. i will post what impacted me the most during quiet time that week, and any other verses I've received. the purpose of this implementation is to instill a sense of self-discipline to do my quiet time EVERY DAY instead of rushing it on the bus before exams.

because God is important enough.

hiya, this blog is officially revived. i have a lot to post, so I'm going to take this one post to sum up all my current feelings, projects and put up a few new things.

firstly, i need to thank people during this exam period for being understanding, caring and thoughtful! (it's a long list!) *drum roll* :

~ my cellies. ~
~ my fellow GKids leaders. ~
~ my teachers and schoolmates. ~
~ my neighbours. ~
~ my fellow ushers. ~
~ my pastors. ~
~ my family. ~

think that's about it, the list will probably grow, but...

next thing, my list of current projects. i've decided to write songs again, and this time i'm going to writeworship songs. i will learn piano or guitar so i can do my songs to a tune. then i'll go and record videos or tracks (computer's all geared up with audit and record programs.) finally i will post them on my facebook, YouTube and twitter. so if you haven't followed, friend-ed or subscribe, my address is in the side bar and have a nice day.

finally the blog post. phew.

hmm, this exam period has changed nearly everybody I've known, or maybe I've changed instead.

my classmates and i were eating lunch at Bedok yesterday, and we got onto the topic of faith because someone was talking about praying. we went round the table rather seriously declaring our faith and our reasons, and laughed at some of the misconceptions of each. out of a table of six, three Christians (that's me!), two Buddhists and one free thinker. then we somehow got on the subject of Creation. We talked about the creation story in the bible, and about Satan, or Lucifer as he was then known. this led to the talk about demonic worship and the common agreement that you should be careful of who you worship, because all demons and evil spirits crave worship and attention. Surprisingly, the Buddhists did believe in Jesus, just that Buddhism is a family religion and their Church experiences were a bit scary.

oh yes,the church visits. to Christians, church is exciting, extra-ordinary and warm. to others, it's a first time experience and they may feel overwhelmed with why you want them to believe in something they have just found out about or are just curious. i have friends who have gotten scared off their first church visit and wouldn't be persuaded back. not to blame anyone, because it's not anyone's fault. I'm just saying that we must remember our friend's point of view when we approach them to join church. they're not trophies, they're friends.

well, that rant is over. i have six months and a spate of DIY projects: model army tank, teddy bear, jewellery... probably Christmas presents and birthday cards. oh, I'm going to make more tiramisu cakes this year, and i can help this year's dumpling festival from start to finish.

well, I'm praying to cut my hair and paint my nails now i don't have school, but i have to try and get a job first.

2010-10-23T20:24:00.002+08:00

23102010
SATURDAY
20:28
STREET 81
SNIPPETS. ENJOY.

"Sometimes people tell you they care.

Sometimes people tell you they love you.

Sometimes people say they want you.

Sometimes people say they will catch you when you fall.

Sometimes people say they will never leave you. Sometimes people say they will never hurt you. Sometimes people say they would die for you. Sometimes people say that you are worth it. Sometimes people say it’s going to be okay. Sometimes people say that you are the one sight they never tire of.

And sometimes people lie."

"You know what’s really scary?
Being lost."

"I just want to make the people I love happy."

“Think about me every now and then, old friend.”

Friendship doubles your joys and divides your sorrows.

2010-10-10T20:48:00.004+08:00

“When you start to know

someone, all their physical

characteristics start to disappear.

You begin to dwell in their energy,

recognize the scent of their skin.

You see only the essence of the

person, not the shell. That’s why

you can’t fall in love with beauty.

You can lust after it, be infatuated

by it, want to own it. You can love

it with your eyes and your body

but not your heart. And that’s

why, when you really connect

with a person’s inner self, any

physical imperfections disappear,

become irrelevant.”

— Lisa Unger, Beautiful Lies

2010-10-09T14:33:00.004+08:00

09102010
SATURDAY
14:42
STREET 81
BILLIONAIRE.

they say you only get one shot at what you do.

they say one picture is worth a thousand words.

they say you'd better say what you want to before it's over.

they say you should be confident of who you are and fight for your loves.

they say that every ending is a new beginning of life.

they say that friends forever is the best.

SHIT THEM.

yesterday was the best of four years in Chung Cheng. it's the second time I've seen the whole level so united, yet each class so unique and individual.

it's pure fun without inhibitions. it's the controlled crazies that we try to break nearly every single rule in the book possible without wrecking Mr Chua's day. ice cream pranks, lakeside sing-a-longs, balloon pooping, paper bullet wars, the tears and the unwillingness to see the end.

I'm going to do a note on Facebook to say stuff to my classmates by index number or something.

well, bye people.

2010-10-06T21:06:00.002+08:00

06102010
WEDNESDAY
21:07
STREET 81
HUMDRUM.

I'm graduating this Friday.

I have so many unsaid words to my classmates and my teachers.but do i really want to say them?

I don't know either.

but I guess if I don't voice out now, I might as well keep the silence forever.

2010-10-02T01:07:00.004+08:00

02102010
SATURDAY
01:08
STREET 81
TOUGH.

yes, you din't see the time wrong. I'm updating this little corner of the Internet at 1am one day after Children's Day and Chinese National Day. so hi people, we're one hour into a new day and I'm juggling thoughts in my head again.

just realised I haven't shared my Graduation song, aptly chosen by our level's welfare Head:

Don't lose your way
With each passing day
You've come so far
Don't throw it away
Live believing
Dreams are for weaving
Wonders are waiting to start
Live your story
Faith, hope & glory
Hold to the truth in your heart

(Chorus)
If we hold on together
I know our dreams will never die
Dreams see us through to forever
Where clouds roll by
For you and I

Souls in the wind
Must learn how to bend
Seek out a star
Hold on to the end
Valley, mountain
There is a fountain
Washes our tears all away
Words are swaying
Someone is praying
Please let us come home to stay

(Chorus)

When we are out there in the dark
We'll dream about the sun
In the dark we'll feel the light
Warm our hearts, everyone

If we hold on together
I know our dreams will never die
Dreams see us through to forever
As high as souls can fly
The clouds roll by
For you and I

yups, graduation is exactly 6 days away. there's so much I need to say to everyone in school, that's bad because I suck at expressing my feelings. hmm, could i do one of those class list dedications like Sec 2? I should.

oh oh oh, new video player at the side, put in some of my favourite dance tracks, ones with the beat you can easily groove to. gotten down to writing some songs, drawing some sketches, but I'll just have to find another time to upload them for editing then do a final montage for this blog.

Minyi persuaded me to go to prom - yes, that stupid, overpriced, student-organised event for the graduating classes. Her mom's really generous, and I'm really grateful for that. Her life and mine is just too different, that sometimes I just have to stop and wonder in awe she still bothers with me, really. we have two siblings, one of them is an atrociously irritating youngest brother, two grandparents we're close to, a mum, aunts, uncles. then the similarity ends there. makes you puzzled too, doesn't it?

going to be a full time nerd right now, last 23 days, so i don't have any time to waste. feel like missing graduation, but I'll forever feel guilty for leaving her there without me. sigh.

feel like this right now:

"It's my life and it's ending one minute at a time."
- Be Alright (Outasight)

2010-09-28T21:48:00.003+08:00

28092010
TUESDAY
19:33
STREET 81
DIFFERENT.

sorry for the ultra-short post yesterday. i had alot to think about; going back to school has revealed new things I'm still learning to deal with one day at a time.

but the question still rings true:
WHAT
IS
YOUR
DREAM?

supposed you don't know what it is yet. you're thinking: how do you find it? what is life all about? what is it going to be of me? i find my answers in God, others find them in family responsibilities, many still are searching far and wide. you will know what your dream is when you find that life has taken on a purpose and a meaning, and you live each day with renewed hope that every step brings you closer to realising it. if you find that it's too delusive for your own hands, it doesn't hurt to ask God. He always helps, whether you know it or not. Mark 7:8, Mark 11:24, Matthew 21:22, Luke 11:10 and John 16:24 all tell of His faithfulness and goodness.

supposed you've forgotten it. say, you had one which you fought seriously for, but you got distracted - disorientated, veered off course, lost your spirit, whatever you call it - and now you can't seem to find a way back to it. you're disappointed, and you're probably thinking: What did i do wrong? Was it the wrong dream? Am i doomed a failure? the answer is simple. you can either revive your old passion for it - if it really was a part of your life you could try to relive some memories and carry the flame alive. Or you could try asking God to help. if it truly was your dream, He will put you back on the right path. you might not see it then, but when you look back at history, hasn't He been loving and merciful to us? if you seem to have lost it, He will put upon your heart a new dream, one that will rejuvenate your soul and stir your heart. Isaiah 13:19 speaks of God's eagerness to work in your life, to change the old heartaches to new joy.

supposed you got it! you're happy, delighted, JOYFUL even. you accomplished your life's task! but you still feel oddly empty when the sense of accomplishment and success wears off. you think: is this it? after the toil and labour, i get a momentary euphoria? what's the rest of my life about then? so you think your life holds no meaning now. well, Job 7:16 reflects this exact human thought. but the bible also tells us that God can give a new vision to us. like when you lost a dream, He can give you another bigger, better "souped-up with the onions" kind of dream you could never possibly fathom. your achieved dreams are like stepping stones to your final colossal dream you will achieve.

whatever it is, here's to LIVING YOUR DREAM. so i ask again:
WHAT
IS
YOUR
DREAM?

be seeing you guys again soon.

2010-09-27T19:46:00.004+08:00

27092010
MONDAY
20:13
STREET 81
BIG DREAMS.

WHAT DO YOU DREAM ABOUT?

my dream: world class photographer.

2010-09-21T18:43:00.003+08:00

21092010
TUESDAY
18:49
STREET 81
MID-AUTUMN FESTIVAL.

this little peice of information is from Wikipedia :

The Mid-Autumn Festival, also known as the Moon Festival, Zhongqiu Festival, or in Chinese, Zhongqiujie (traditional Chinese: 中秋節), or in Vietnamese "Tết Trung Thu", is a popular harvest festival celebrated by Chinese, and Vietnamese people, dating back over 3,000 years to moon worship in China's Shang Dynasty. It was first called Zhongqiu Jie (literally "Mid-Autumn Festival") in the Zhou Dynasty. In Malaysia, Singapore, and the Philippines, it is also sometimes referred to as the Lantern Festival or Mooncake Festival.

The Mid-Autumn Festival is held on the 15th day of the eighth month in the Chinese calendar, which is usually around late September or early October in the Gregorian calendar. It is a date that parallels the autumnal equinox of the solar calendar, when the moon is supposedly at its fullest and roundest. The traditional food of this festival is the mooncake, of which there are many different varieties.
The Mid-Autumn Festival is one of the few most important holidays in the Chinese calendar, the others being Chinese New Year and Winter Solstice, and is a legal holiday in several countries. Farmers celebrate the end of the summer harvesting season on this date. Traditionally on this day, Chinese family members and friends will gather to admire the bright mid-autumn harvest moon, and eat moon cakes and pomelos under the moon together. Accompanying the celebration, there are additional cultural or regional customs, such as:
~Putting pomelo rinds on one's head
~Carrying brightly lit lanterns, lighting lanterns on towers, floating sky lanterns
~Burning incense in reverence to deities including Chang'e (Chinese: 嫦娥; pinyin: Cháng'é)
~Planting Mid-Autumn trees
~Collecting dandelion leaves and distributing them evenly among family members
~Fire Dragon Dances
~In Taiwan, since the 1980s, barbecuing meat outdoors has become a widespread way to celebrate the Mid-Autumn Festival.
Shops selling mooncakes before the festival often display pictures of Chang'e floating to the moon.

I've been debating whether to email HK about the festival, but i don't want to remind him about his plight any further.

yeah, i haven't been myself recently, staring and going to places alone again. it's the pit bottom feeling of helplessness and i can't do anything about it. music is not helping, and i'm quickly running out of things to sketch. I've put off writing this blog long enough, because every time i see the blog skin i just want to go a million miles away from this place. i don't know why either.

i mean, people tell me i should be happy. and yes, there are times when i am really happy: with my lovable cellies and family. but there are times when I'm alone, and then tears start coming down randomly. or i start to blank out with random memories, or i suddenly stop feeling happy because i feel so grossly overwhelmed that i don't deserve to be happy. it sucks especially in front of people I'm not so close with; they think I'm suffering from depression, going crazy or something close.

doing research on Old English houses for my essay. at this rate I'm five pages of size 10 font, so i have hope that it can be a small novel. the joke is maybe i can put all my blog posts together and name it "The Diary of a Science Wannabe" and then stock the shelves with it. don't snicker - it could be possible. I'm just saying.

2010-09-11T15:28:00.004+08:00

11092010
SATURDAY
17:13
STREET 81
EMO.

snippet from the latest essay:

Dusk finally settled on the sluggish coastal town. As the harsh golden rays hit the windows, the window blinds went down and the dawdling pedestrians vanished in an automatic, yet familiar fashion.

today makes a ten year memorial of the September 11 attacks on the twin towers of the World Trade centre. it seems like a long time to us, but for those who have lost someone, no amount of time can help. my heart goes out to you.

yeah, someone reminded me i'm very emotional lately. it's just that alot of things have happened recently, all at once.

i don't know either.

2010-09-08T16:52:00.007+08:00

08092010
WEDNESDAY
16:56
STREET 81
ONE HOUR.

yesterday night's call seems like the world's greatest mistake.

it's left me feeling lost, dejected and useless. but it has also left me too hopeful, that I'm scared i might just die from disappointment if the truth turns out otherwise.

it was one hour, one of the longest, thank God it doesn't cost anything except time. HK was surprised because he usually calls instead, but my eyes hurt too badly yesterday to look at the screen.

it's scary the way little details sting more than the different lives we lead. it's the details that hint the beginnings of forgetting, the imminent change. i just hadn't expected it to be so sudden.

sometimes, i wished you knew how much your calls affect me, how much they really do to me inside. i cant see clearly past the accent anymore, and you become more distant and unfamiliar with each call. you run on a totally different stress level, different calendar, different climate altogether.

we've become strangers.

that's the thing i tried to stop, the thing i was afraid to let happen.

and suddenly, December has become a looming nightmare. i don't know whether we'll even recognise each other at the airport even if i were holding up a banner.

it's not like we don't make the effort, but we are two different souls, driven apart by different lifestyles and beliefs. for once, the physical distance between us matters, because it sets us apart simply by resetting your clock two hours before me.

it's knowing that the clock cannot go back, that things were too sudden for us to end properly. we are stuck somewhere in between leaving and staying. I'm not regretting, because it won't help. things are beyond my control now, i can only trust and pray.

i can't tell MY everything - she's too pure and innocent. she's my best friend because of he way she is; it's hard not to be protective of someone so vulnerable. i cant risk ruining her with my problems, that's why i have so much more in common with you than her. don't you see? it's not because you are more disposable, but more relevant to my life. it's just that she's flesh and blood right now, and you're the cyberspace cushion.

i don't know how much I've said will actually make sense here.

God, sometimes i can't even stand myself. how do i, then, expect you to stand me?

i need Changi village right now, because i don't know where else to go anymore.

and i really want to see Crystal right now. letting Xiao Yee take my baby away for five months has to be one of the toughest things i have to do. i feel guilty for visiting the pet shops downstairs and everywhere i go just to stroke the hyper dogs, but i know my baby's irreplaceable. it's getting to be so hard without her. i need her so much right now, but when this moment passes, it'll just be like another numb wait for the public holiday so i can see her again.

the problem is i don't dare to fuss over her too much went Xiao Yee is around, cause she doesn't pay me the same notice when Xiao Yee is around. it's hard each time not to be jealous and snatch her up, but I've got to remember that Xiao Yee is her owner after all. it's like she's home and I'm boarding school.

she's forever my baby, but she's not mine to keep after all.

2010-09-07T19:51:00.005+08:00

07092010
TUESDAY
19:58
STREET 81
LIFESTYLE.

they say lifestyle is a choice, a conscious decision of what you want to make of yourself. i tell them, praise is a lifestyle of faith.

faith can move mountains. faith lets you know what you're doing, you have someone that believes in you, and that you can believe in yourself too. faith lets you have the drive to move forward no matter what.

faith keeps me going. i don't know what i would do or become without it.

this is one week i have to think back about how i have been living my important year, and to see if i really am serious about life. i may have problems, but no one is without them, and i know my God is big enough to deal with them so i dont have to lose sleep.

ushering this week too, so i need a big motivation. also praying for healing, cause one of my eyes is red, and i can't wear my contacts, but my specs broke, so... :( patching some relationships this past week too; praise God.

this one is for you, HK.

<<有一天>>
有一天你若觉得生活没有意义
有一天你若真地想放弃
有一天你若觉得没人爱你
有一天好像走到谷底

那一天你要振作你的心情
那一天你要珍惜你自己
那一天你要知道有人爱你
那一天不要轻易说放弃

这世界真有一位上帝
他爱你他愿意帮助你
茫茫人海虽然寂寞
他爱你愿你一生持久

2010-09-06T16:23:00.004+08:00

06092010
MONDAY
16:28
BEDOK LIBRARY
DREAMS.

oh shit. why does prom have to be on 3 December? and it's 70 freaking dollars! i can't go! oh wells, have fun without me, people. and take lots of pictures of the layout, cause if i cant be there i might as well know what's going on afterwards.

one of the things on my holiday list is crossed out, and i need to work harder to get the rest crossed. but it shouldn't be hard with a little work :)

the cell's going to kelong, like finally. got the quotations, but scared the price is going to scare them off. if the don't sink any lines it's going to be fine i guess. oh and they finally can see what i do all my life during the holidays. i cant wait.

oh yeah, and i think mum's thinking of moving to the purple line, can you believe it? I've lived all my life in the east side of this silly island, and you go and plunk me somewhere foreign. I'll probably get lost everyday for the first week there, and I'll forever miss changi village. in fact i think I'll probably end up hating her forever for pulling me away from my whole life here. plus I'm really really scared that the people here won't remember me anymore once I'm gone.

for once the problem is not with my friends, but with me. i guess i just cant let go of this place.

2010-09-04T14:01:00.003+08:00

04092010
SATURDAY
14:03
STREET 81
EQUILIBRIUM.

"1. a state of rest or balance due to the equal action of opposing forces."

yeah, i really need all the rest i can get right now. but I'm too tired to fight back sometimes, and then i can only blame myself.

"2. equal balance between any powers, influences, etc./ equality of effect."

balance between two influences - good and bad. they must exist together; one without the other makes no comparison and is therefore useless.

"3. mental or emotional balance/ equanimity: The pressures of the situation caused her to lose her equilibrium."

i may lose mine in the near future dealing with more than my own problems. up till the neck in them, but at least I'll survive.

"4. Chemistry . the condition existing when a chemical reaction and its reverse reaction proceed at equal rates."

looks like i really have to get those sweets for Lam. if me and qien were equals to start with, it wouldn't be so hard.

2010-09-01T22:25:00.003+08:00

01092010
WEDNESDAY
12:52
MRT TO DOVER
DANCE.

just rushed out of my first 3D movie at AMK Hub - step up 3D. rushing to meet mom now at Dover mrt to take the shuttle bus over to NUH. giving blood to Sam, and getting something of my to do list crossed out at the same time.

but I'm really nervous right now, and i don't know how it will turn out. maybe I'll go there but cant give. what am i going to do if that happens?

yeah, but I've got to stop freaking myself out. if i can give blood, it will be God to the glory and not me.

had a bun, and a wafer stick, but really too nervous to eat anything else. maybe another energy bar, but if i eat any rice I'm gonna puke out everything. just hope it will be fast, and i don't have any symptoms afterwards.

oh, and i have to write the movie review for step up 3 for Emilyn. good experience for 3D, but I'm sure 4D will be so much better. so I'm saving~

haunted changi up next. and you got to see my wallpaper right now :D

2010-08-31T23:26:00.007+08:00

31082010
TUESDAY
23:28
STREET 81
HAUNTED CHANGI.

i'm probably making a mistake by posting at a time like this, but i realise if i don't do it i'll never go to sleep in peace tonight.

meeting mom at 1330 Dover MRT to give blood to Sam. just realised i'm nervous beyond comment. i've never had a problem with blood, but i guess this will be my first test to see something more than a fracture. the car accident didnt count - i was across the road so i didnt really see anything.

meeting wei feng for breakfast and movie at AMK hub at 1000, wanting to watch step up 3 but it's 1500 :( also meeting Belinda at Bedok Library at 1430, gonna bring my computer and books.

currently saving up for Haunted Changi, but also trying to stop the river of memories. kind of like looking at an abandoned photo collection, but you realise halfway through with horror that you're looking at your old self. or someone else can come up with a better description of the feeling; i dont really care. the previous trips to OCH weren't scary, just that the things we saw were plain sad. it's just intriguing for me to see this film, and to think of how people's reactions to the same things can be so varied. or that some actually scoff it.

regardless, it's impossible to go back anymore with patrols and cleaners there. they want to spruce up the place but i know those who "live there" like it the way they have seen it become over the years - their own little piece of history stuck in time, on a constant day-night replay.

i remember the "owners" with an air of longing. they are like long-lost friends, so easy to talk to and never critical of life. they have had their share of it, all they want to do is to protect their own little pocket of memories. some openly preach death, some shy away from any personal aspect, and a rare number strut their life moments like a movie for all to see. they are a carefree bunch not bound by our laws, but bound to their own unfilled hearts to this place they can never leave. they are the best afternoon companions, not because they can keep secrets, but because they offer sincere solace.

long ramble about the past, i wonder if he is thinking his holiday away too. reminds me of this: "For her house leads down to death and her paths to the spirits of the dead."
PROVERBS 2:18

Deviant art has a website problem, so this picture is from Flickr. enjoy.

2010-08-25T10:55:00.003+08:00

25082010
WEDNESDAY
10:56
BEDOK LIBRARY
AUSTRALIAN.

yeps, emails coming in (:

thanks god for inter-continental friends. they not only encourage you, but you can help them too. best part is, you dont have to be there but you still know they are your real friends.

spending the morning studying at bedok libray, then busing to parkway to get books for Huiru, then Chinatown to get my phone. may need to borrow money,, but i guess it's worth it.

PHILIPPIANS 4:13
I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO STRENGTHENS ME.

doing one card to bless minyi every week of exam. hope to be there with her mentally and spiritually if i cant be there physically.

2010-08-23T20:49:00.002+08:00

23082010
MONDAY
18:03
CLARKE QUAY
SEVENTEEN

they 16 is the legal age to be doing everything you are already doing right now. or that 17 is worse, because you have more responsibilities than 16, and less fun than 18.

people look forward to getting older when they are younger, only to feel disappointed that when you're older, you're not necessary more happy and free than when you were younger. in fact, being younger probably brought more joy and pleasant memories. just ask anyone over 50. they'll say, "When I was young..."

nobody says, "Man, when i GOT old..." it's just unwritten. and probably because it just reminds you that you ARE old.

went to Love The World bar and bistro. it's at the Singapore Flyer, on the second floor. cosy bar, nice drinks too. tried the Singapore Sling and Blue Heaven, ordered a Earl Grey myself. jamming free on Sundays, 3pm onwards, just call for booking beforehand so timings don't clash. but we got to bring friends to crop up the audience, and pay for the drinks and food. but it's alright because you just have to tell people you have a live gig and people can come. great ambiance too, plus it's a Christian place.

lost my phone, dammit. on Friday, pouring with lightning and all. took a bus to school, then took back to the bus stop to find the phone. then real late for school, but i still didn't find it. God, I've lost everyone contacts - including those REALLY important ones and every thing's with the phone. but thank God's the phone's locked, though the password is quite dumb. i think anyone can guess it on the first go. but I've gotten a new SIM card on Sunday, just phone less until Wednesday, when i buy a new phone from Chinatown. pity i only have a budget of $100, what can i get with this amount? anything with a camera, music or online function and has keypad buttons? probably not on my life.

Australia voted for a new Prime Minister just yesterday, different political situation, yeah. HK dropped me an email, a short one on that day itself. missed him by about an hour, pity. but i emailed him a short one and i notice nowadays his replies are quite short.

getting late, lots of people walking about now. don't feel like going home, but i don't have a choice, do i? call it reluctant or ungrateful, but i feel less important at home than out in school. and you haven't heard the things they say in school yet.

2010-08-16T21:43:00.004+08:00

16082010
MONDAY
21:44
STREET 81
NOT LIKE THE MOVIES ♥

TODAY'S POST IS MULTILINGUAL.

USE GOOGLE TRANSLATOR.

[POLISH]
Pastel gry jest naprawdę ładne stronie, wykonane przez polskich artystów i animatorów. Wszystkie są prawdziwe talenty i są bardzo skuteczne w obu gier flash i Iphone. go sprawdzić ich stronie tutaj, linki w pasku bocznym! Sprawdź Mateusza Skutnika szczególności, naprawdę wyjątkowy i twórcy serii Submachine Daymare Town.

lub można też kliknąć tutaj link do Pastel gry.

[FRENCH]
Demain est un examen important oral, je suis vraiment nerveux. Dans l'espoir de passer le test et il ne sera pas facile. professeur d'anglais a des attentes élevées, il ne devrait pas être trop déçu.

[ITALIAN]
Il ristorante è di prossima apertura. Spero di andare lì e mangiare a pranzo con mia sorella, un pomeriggio, quando abbiamo tempo. il cibo è delizioso e il capo è davvero amichevole. Il posto è molto tranquillo e piacevole. Mi auguro che non devono aspettare troppo a lungo.

[GERMAN]
Ich habe ein Praxis-Test an diesem Samstag, es ist wirklich wichtig, und ich kann nicht leisten, sie zu vermissen. zahlreiche Veranstaltungen geplant in dieser Woche. Ich habe alles unter Kontrolle, um Kollisionen zu vermeiden. Besuch der Aufführung am Samstag, hoffe auch, um die Zeit zu haben.

2010-08-12T21:11:00.005+08:00

12082010
THURSDAY
21:20
STREET 81
DECEMBER PLANS.

yeah, my December and November plans.

November first, then.

~ to work at the clinic for a full two weeks, or somewhere I've worked before for at least half a month to really see what it's like.
~ to save up to $200 for at least a month. this is for me to practice self-control.
~ learn level 2 street cha cha. i want to learn the dance seriously, out of passion more than anything else.
~ clean up my wardrobe and let my hair grow. gotta stick to one look i like, the old me.
~ get clean pictures of Changi Village and the Kellong for keepsakes, and to put all my pictures into a professional portfolio.
~ Learn sign language, and watch four more movies to finish my 10 movie list.

December's list:

~ one oversea trip, outside of Malaysia, possibly the mission trip with cell group. or diving at Thailand! MUST MUST.
~ participate in next year's Chingay parade as a performer!
~ learn sign language. $60, start saving.
~ earn $250 from jobs or tuition.
~ give blood. i want to save three people before i end the year.
~ give Joey, Rachel and Chrystal Christmas presents from my own money.
~ pick HK at the airport, no matter how late, or I'll never forgive myself. and then show him Tampines and Bedok all over again, before eating at Changi Village. then we go do what ever he wants to for 3 days. and i HAVE got to drag him to church. it may be my only chance. THIS ONE IS THE ABSOLUTE. I HAVE TO DO THIS.

RANT

fuck you! yes I'm using strong language here! i don't want any of your bloody explanations, you can save them for yourself. what do you mean you're that way? hell yeah, you're that way cause you chose to be! it's always a conscious effort to be someone significant, but don't be someone infamous! you are worth so much more than that! don't do this to yourself! wake up! the deadline is near! people hang on because of you! don't give up! if you do, you will be shocked and regretful due to the number of people who follow your lead! never underestimate your influence, and use it for good. you never know when the next thing you say or do for good of others will save their life or mind.

ever feel so pent up you wanna punch something, anything in front of you?advice: don't cause it hurts you and it didn't do any good to anyone. plus the bruises stick around afterwards. try screaming (in your bedroom only!) or try exercise. NEVER cut or binge-eat, that's a vicious cycle.

but who am i to say that? i'm just waiting for December anyway.

2010-08-09T20:18:00.007+08:00

09082010
MONDAY
20:10 (!)
STREET 81
TWICE.

yes, today the title is huge. twice as huge in fact (:

been itching to write the whole day, finished a song (finally!) but the Internet has been congested due to the fact this is the last holiday before the serious study period of the o-levels.

NDP is on all 5 of Singapore's home-based channels, and all around me i can hear people playing past National Day theme songs. Taufik Batisah has got a goatee, and this year they got a high-pitched singer to sing the theme song so far out, i can only use a whistle to keep to tune.

twice has alot of meaning for today.

firstly, twice the holiday we students had compared to last year. yes, tomorrow's a holiday too. but that doesn't mean we have more free time.

twice the amount of Chinese revision i have managed to complete compared to the past, what, three years of my life? yeah, sometimes getting carried away with your impulses is scary.

this year is HK's second year celebrating 9th of august in Australia, the joke is that he has managed to have twice of the long holiday he hoped for. he wished once to have a year-long holiday, i guess he got too much out of it. that, plus the fact that he still calls the migration a "holiday", spells out he's not taking the homesickness too well this year.

twice as tied to social networking sites: I've been dragged to Twitter. you can find me HERE. and I'm only there because people are there. :/

lastly, the date is repeated twice! :D

2010-08-07T10:30:00.007+08:00

07082010
SATURDAY
10:34
STREET 81
MOOD SWINGS.

mood swings all through the week.

went to watch THE LAST AIRBENDER: LEGEND OF AANG at Kallang Leisure Park yesterday. Felt cheated cause it was just book one, but it was good nonetheless. i still owe Daniel a dollar for my ticket though. round-up of who went:

Ivan, Szu Yuan, Eugene, Daryl, Rong Da, Wen Bin, Nigel, Eunice, Claire, Hui Shan, Hui Min, Iris, Huiru, Daniel and Me.

kept my distance from Ivan yesterday, he's in a bad mood too. Gavril and Qien pulled out at the last minute, and Zhang yang, Yvonne and Belinda opted out early.

decided to forgo my promise to sit beside him in the movie, pulled Huiru to sit beside me when she came later. anyway, I doubt he would have the guts to get up in front of our class, cross three rows and sit down beside me without eliciting rumors. he just cares too much about what people think.

should just snap out of my bad mood, but it's like a snake spiral. i start at the top all over again, to find myself helplessly sliding to the bottom.

~悬崖靳马：比喻临到危险的边缘即使清醒回头。

~掩耳盗铃：比喻不能欺骗被人，只能欺骗自己。

~装聋作哑：假装没听见，不出声。指故意不理，装作不知道。

黄主任要考成语250，学着学着，觉得上面三个成语最适合形容我现在的心情了。上次听写，差一个字就100分，所以这次要努力，一定要吃到老师请的冰淇淋。顺便给品德一点脸色看。

using an old label to remind me of the better times.

2010-08-05T18:56:00.003+08:00

05082010
THURSDAY
19:01
STREET 81
DEADLINE.

[Chorus]
Do you know what it feels like
Loving someone that's in a rush to throw you away
(Do you know [x3])
Do you know what it feels like
To be the last one to know the lock on the door has changed

Do you know, [x4]

Birds, flying south is a sign of changes,
At least you can predict this every year
Love, you never know the minute it ends suddenly,
I can't get her to speak.
Maybe if I knew all the things that took to save us.
I could fix the pain that bleeds inside of me
The look in your eyes don't say the same about me,
I'm standing on the edge and I don't know what else to give

[Chorus]
Do you know what it feels like,
Loving someone that's in a rush to throw you away
(Do you know [x3])
Do you know what it feels like,
To be the last one to know the lock on the door has changed

Do you know [x4]

How can I love you? [x4]
If you just don't talk to me, babes.

I flow through my head,
Is the question is she needing,
Another side of a man I cannot be
Looking at the last 3 years like I did,
I could never see us ending like this.
(Do you know)
Seeing your face no more on my pillow,
Is the scene I said never happened to me.
(Do you know)
But after this episode I now see,
You could never tell how the next day life could be

[Chorus]
Do you know what it feels like,
Loving someone that's in a rush to throw you away
(Do you know [x3])
Do you know what it feels like,
To be the last one to know the lock on the door has changed

ENRIQUE IGLESIAS

can't help but think whether i rush it too.

been out and in mood swings lately, Ivan's fed up with keeping up and he's decided to act like i'm in a perpetual state of happiness. i guess i should be, with school and friends. my grades have taken a quantum leap from Mid-year. gonna get my 10 points :)

i cant help but thank God that he's put all of my classmates in 4EMPATHY by divine intelligence, everyone of them has helped me to grow and I've helped them too. they are really God-sent angels, only they don't know it yet.

National Day celebration is tomorrow, class outing too. oh, and i'll try to keep myself from crashing on Ivan before then. God bless him.

2010-08-02T20:46:00.003+08:00

02082010
MONDAY
20:51
STREET 81
SOMEBODY'S ME.

the title is from the song Somebody's Me by Enrique Iglesias.

Cause I, I walk the streets alone
I hate being on my own
And everyone can see that I really fell
And I'm going through hell

You will always be in my life even if I'm not in your life
Cause you're in my memory
You, will you remember me?
And before you set me free, oh, listen please

Somebody wants you
somebody needs you
Somebody dreams about you every single night
Somebody can't breathe
without you it's lonely
Somebody hopes that someday you will see
Somebody's me, that somebody's me
That somebody's me
that somebody's me, oh, yeah

sentimental song, about a guy crushing on a taken girl. that's not all of it, just the two most meaningful verses and the chorus.

just off a 45 min call to HK, any further it felt like i was boring him. but maybe when you really miss it, even the most simple details become a blessing. like he asked what i had for lunch, and i said Japanese. i was surprised even that interested him, cause he went on to ask where and what i ate. i guess the novelty for Western wears off if that's the only thing you ever eat.

feel that all i talk about is the o-levels and school, and he only talks about his school and results. his dad is still a sensitive topic, and anything about friends just threads lightly around Mon Hsien. poor guy, still not over the loss of his best bud. and he is just not sure whether people in Singapore will welcome him in CCHMS, talks about "i don't dare to set foot in front of those angry people" and such. maybe he's gotta forgive himself before his buddies can forgive him.

but other than that, i guess we have a lot of catching up to do anyway when he comes back in December. just that friendship is easier to repair when you can have an actual face-to-face conversation. sometimes not looking at a person for too long can cause the picture of him in your mind to blur until he becomes a collage of your own memory. plus two years changed me drastically, it would have changed him too, for better or for worse.

2010-07-31T18:39:00.003+08:00

31072010
SATURDAY
18:14
STREET 81
COME HOME.

I've told Zuo Lun and Jun Yan that HK's coming back December. wasn't expecting Jun Yan's reaction, but at least he's not angry anymore. but the few of us just don't talk like we used to anymore.

guess HK figured out that he'll have to come back and explain sometime, whether he felt it would do any good. He cant avoid us every time he's in Singapore, can he? well, a get-together after the O-levels isn't the best option, but here's one excuse you can use if you have one week.

he says he has no home anywhere anymore, that Australia is where his house is, but his homeis gone: all the life he knew in Singapore - the friends, lifestyle, the food. i know he misses it still. but is there anything we can go even if we didn't wish it this way?

maybe you just got to accept that home is Australia now, that ain't anything you is going to take you home to the previous life.